…a needle pulling thread… la! a note to follow sol….
ahem.
I’ve been mulling this entry around in my head for a while and it still doesn’t make any damn sense to me, so I figured I’d just write it and either you’d get it or you wouldn’t. Or I would or wouldn’t. Or whatever. I don’t know.
New Years Resolutions suck, of course, because no one sticks to them, so I’m coming at it from a different angle this year. I’ve a general all inclusive little steps count as much as the big ones actual resolution, with a lot of substeps and subplots that all work in general. So in completing at least one, then I’d accomplish something toward the whole, and that will in effect make the resolution a success and thus be completed in stunningly accomplished fashion.
Or something.
Where it comes apart for me is in dealing with other people. Mainly, I hate other people. Ok, so i don’t HATE them, but there are oh so very few that I like. And eventually, someone’s sure to say something. They’ll feel it necessary to ‘encourage’ or gush or generally be fake. (in case it’s not COMPLETELY OBVIOUS - my family is not a part of these ‘people’ *L*) I feel like… they didn’t like me enough as me to say something to me now, if I improve in some way (which all of these babysteps will result in, of course) or they notice a difference, they’ll feel the need TO say something, and that will only make me hate them more. After all, I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum, and I’ve seen it happen before.
I don’t want encouraging words that don’t mean anything. I don’t want angry GET OFF YOUR ASS WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THIS BEFORE comments either. In fact, I don’t want ANYTHING. From ANYONE. It’s not about them. It’s about me. It’s not about anyone else BUT me. See? And all the fake mushy high pitched squealing in the world won’t make me forget that you had nothing to say to me before, during, after during and after again - and really don’t give a shit about now, either.
See what I mean about it not exactly making sense? All I have is the vague sense that I might be improved on a personal level by the end of the year, but in doing so, I will generally hate people more then I do now. Heh.
(and again - FAMILY! THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. *L* just to CMA and all.)
Bah. Humbug. (*L*)
