So, you all know that I process things through writing about them. And sometimes – I toss them out into the ether just on the off chance the person they’re directed to sees them. They never do, of course, but the writings have gotten me a few interesting and helpful emails. So in the end, I suppose they served their purpose.
I’m going to put them here too, though, just as a “yup. I said it. I meant it.” kinda thing. Especially the last two. So, they’re after the cut, if ya care. If not, move along lil doggy.
April 3rd, 2012 – From “Across the Room”.
There are moments in the darkness when I think you really see me. It’s brief, but I will go to my grave believing that it exists, that there are those little indications that I am not invisible to you. That I matter. That I am beautiful. That I could be (am) yours. That you know and recognize it too.
You see me, and in that hesitation, that inhalation, that gasp of recognition, that shared breath – I see you too.
Take a chance.
Turn on the light.
I’ll be waiting.
April 21, 2012 – Sometimes: from “Closer than you think”.
Sometimes I wonder – do you really know what you want? We both know what you say you want, but all signs point to something different. Perhaps you’ll get it, maybe you’ll understand. Maybe, someday, you’ll realize that what you really want and need was closer than you thought all along.
Maybe it will be too late.
There are times, sometimes, when I think you see it. It’s there, but oh so brief, before you run away.
I hope someday, sometime, you will stop running.
I hope when that time comes, you’ll find me waiting.
But don’t count on it.
I won’t wait around forever.
And this one, that’s garnered the most response…
May 6th – From Across the Room
You break my heart.
Not all at once, as that would be final and complete and ending. Easy, even.
No, you break it in little pieces; a chip here, a chip there, and all I can do is watch, and try to hold the pieces together. They slip through my fingertips, and fall to the floor, shattering into shards of glass under my feet. Glass that finds it way under my skin, worming through my veins, until lodged back into the heart where it belongs. In place, yet slightly askew. Crooked. Jagged and cutting. Easily dislodged to start the process all over here again.
Each moment of hope is a small shard mended, twisted until it fits back where it belongs, only to be pulled asunder again by the next days conversations. How can you not see what you do to me?
I crush the pieces of my heart between my hands, mash it into some semblance of workable order, even as hope fades. I can give you my all, lay the shattered glass into your hands, if only you would let me. If only I believed you would not crush the last bits of hope between your fingers, until I lay broken and bleeding at your feet.
And my statement of freedom – though it took me until this past weekend to truly come to the end of my rope.
May 11, 2012 – The beginning of the end
There is little left to say, if I were to judge by the silence. Together, I knew what the silences meant – distance has dulled the senses, yet somehow lifted the confusion. I am nothing to you. I never was.
So tonight, I am going out. I am getting dressed, I am doing my hair and makeup, I am getting all dolled up. This time, however, it’s for me. Not you, just me. I will go to my favorite place, and find my spot in the corner, and order my drink. I will watch the band, the dancers, and wonder if anyone will ask me to dance as well. If they do, I will dance. If no one does, I will be content to people watch, and soak in the growing desperation as people fish the crowd, in a desperate attempt to hook up. I will be the quiet one in the corner, checking facebook or texting, sipping my drink. I am content sitting by myself, though welcome any company that might wander by.
I will be hit on.
I will smile and say thank you.
I will flirt.
I will know that there is no reason for me to be lonely…
…and I will come home.
Alone, if you’re lucky.
Or not, if I am.
Welcome to our future. May it rest in pieces.
This weekend was the final straw. I don’t think I can even be friends anymore, though part of me sobs at the thought. That may just the caretaker part of me though, the one that wanted so desperately to make it all better. I cannot fix his flaws, I cannot make it better for him, and most importantly…
I can NOT play his games anymore.
I tried. Over and over again.
He doesn’t deserve me.
I deserve so much better – even though I’m pretty damn sure I will never find anyone again. I had my chance at happiness, and maybe I just need to realize it really was a once in a lifetime relationship, and be content to watch everyone else live theirs.
I deserve more.
I deserve better.
…will keep saying it until I believe it.
Good thing I have so much free time now, hm? *snerk*