Land o'Lessa

I’m so stupid. Or well, men are stupid. Or both. I dunno.

Met a lovely man – not perfect, but fun to talk too, fun to get to know, and (mama, close your eyes) the sex wasn’t bad. Not meltingly fantastic, but not bad. He could probably learn. Anyway – he had a lot going for him.

And I ruined it. I ruined it because the guy I’m not dating got jealous, admitted his attachment to me, admitted he didn’t want to see anyone else. Then the next day – recanted, and told me to date if I wanted but just don’t tell him. And then we spent some fantastic nights together, and tonight? Tonight he “has company” that I shouldn’t ask about if I don’t want to know. Oh, and I’m getting too attached again.

I’m getting fucking whiplash is what I’m getting. I ruined something that might have been good, because he gave me hope. And now, when I tell him that? He gives me silence.

I sure can pick them, hm? I hope he’s happy.

Back to the drawing board.

…it feels like nothing matters. Nothing that I do, nothing that I am, nothing that I could be. Sometimes, I feel lost, and weak, and pathetic, and stupid. Sometimes I am positive I am an idiot, and only have what I deserve, and if I don’t have it, it is because someone else deserves it more.

Sometimes, it’s just too much to be the strong one, the one who takes care of everyone and everything. Sometimes I want to curl up and cry until I can’t cry anymore.

Sometimes, I am simply too tired to function any longer.

…sometimes, I wonder why it is there is no one to take care of me.

So instead of indulging in sometimes, I’m going to eat my dinner, I’m going to take a shower, I’m going to finish crying there, and then wipe my eyes, and go see a stupid movie with a friend, and laugh even while my heart feels like it’s breaking for no reason at all, and smile, even though somewhere inside it still hurts.

And someday, there will be someone who will care enough to be there when I need them

…sometimes.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I know there are people who take care of me too – don’t take this as a slight in any way. Sometimes it’s hard to keep sight of that, and be strong enough for everyone else too. Yes, I know you want to tell me I don’t have to be – but we all know that is exactly what I am, and always will be.

I’m simply having a day.

I don’t like it when one of my boys is hurting. Z (on of the Boy’s bff) is heartbroken today, and all I can do is hug him.

Girls are mean.

Sigh.

(and yes, I’m fully aware this entry will be repeated a thousand times, from both sides of the equation as the kids grow up. It won’t ever get any easier though.)

Seriously! (clearly – too much Grays Anatomy for me. Seriously.)

Alright – so, ready to cackle?

See, I have a TV/DVD/VCR combo, right? Love it. Cept it’s a single tuner, which means in order to video tape something you’re not actively watching, you have to have another VCR. Heh. So I’ve been bemoaning this fact, and wishing I had DVR (since up here? no tivo!) and stuff. Then! I found out our cable company? Has DVR now! Color me happy! I rearranged some stuff, and found the extra couple of bucks it’d cost to have that instead of the digital box I already had, and gleefully went to exchange it.

Can you imagine! Watching something, while RECORDING SOMETHING ELSE! I was estatic! I was BOUNCY! I was….

….denied!  See, we DO have DVRs available here now, however? They are not dual tuners either! Which means, to record something, I have to be WATCHING IT. (Or, of course, asleep. this does have an easier ‘timed record’ function for times I’m sleeping and gone and shit, so there’s a bonus there.)  Man. shit like this only happens to me, you know? *L*

I do have it on good authority, however, that the dual tuners are coming soonish, and all I’ll have to do then is switch out the box, because my account is already set up for it. Cool! And also? Local phone service! That means compitition for the monolith that is our phone service now and maybe, just maybe, lower prices! hurray! As it is my cell phone, the kids cell, Long Distance, cable tv and cable modem are all with the same company. Switching over the phone too would be nice -specially as I get Airline miles on all of’em. Heh.

So, playing with the new DVR is fun. Testing to see if I can record a PPV movie and watch it agian later without having to pay again, now. Heh.

~~

In other news: Family Drama. (no, Nana and Ladybug, not ya’ll. the OTHER family.) And I have just told them that I’m done. I do not have the emotional stability in myself right now to take on a whole buncha drama whore bullshit. While it breaks my heart that I probably won’t see the little guy again for a good long while, I cannot condone going back into a relationship where there’s even the suspicion of his hurting that baby. If I had a single leg to stand on…

And the fact she decided to drag Kevin’s name into it and through the mud caused me no end of fury and grief and irritation and resentment. So. She’s on her own. I’m done. D.O.N.E. done. Fuck’em all. It’s time she grew the fuck up anyway.

(And any posts here by her, or about her, will be deleted. This is my goddamn space. I reserve the right to block anyone I deem fit.)