June 25th, 2012

I love the rain. Breathe in, breathe out. Out with the old, in with the new.

Breathing easy for the first time in a couple months. When one finally cuts loose what hurts, and knows the pain to be real and true and worth it for the lessons it taught – it finally fades, and is over. C’est finis.

June 5th, 2012

So, you all know that I process things through writing about them. And sometimes – I toss them out into the ether just on the off chance the person they’re directed to sees them. They never do, of course, but the writings have gotten me a few interesting and helpful emails. So in the end, I suppose they served their purpose.

I’m going to put them here too, though, just as a “yup. I said it. I meant it.” kinda thing. Especially the last two. So, they’re after the cut, if ya care. If not, move along lil doggy. :)

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May 6th, 2012

I’m so stupid. Or well, men are stupid. Or both. I dunno.

Met a lovely man – not perfect, but fun to talk too, fun to get to know, and (mama, close your eyes) the sex wasn’t bad. Not meltingly fantastic, but not bad. He could probably learn. Anyway – he had a lot going for him.

And I ruined it. I ruined it because the guy I’m not dating got jealous, admitted his attachment to me, admitted he didn’t want to see anyone else. Then the next day – recanted, and told me to date if I wanted but just don’t tell him. And then we spent some fantastic nights together, and tonight? Tonight he “has company” that I shouldn’t ask about if I don’t want to know. Oh, and I’m getting too attached again.

I’m getting fucking whiplash is what I’m getting. I ruined something that might have been good, because he gave me hope. And now, when I tell him that? He gives me silence.

I sure can pick them, hm? I hope he’s happy.

Back to the drawing board.

April 19th, 2012

…it feels like nothing matters. Nothing that I do, nothing that I am, nothing that I could be. Sometimes, I feel lost, and weak, and pathetic, and stupid. Sometimes I am positive I am an idiot, and only have what I deserve, and if I don’t have it, it is because someone else deserves it more.

Sometimes, it’s just too much to be the strong one, the one who takes care of everyone and everything. Sometimes I want to curl up and cry until I can’t cry anymore.

Sometimes, I am simply too tired to function any longer.

…sometimes, I wonder why it is there is no one to take care of me.

So instead of indulging in sometimes, I’m going to eat my dinner, I’m going to take a shower, I’m going to finish crying there, and then wipe my eyes, and go see a stupid movie with a friend, and laugh even while my heart feels like it’s breaking for no reason at all, and smile, even though somewhere inside it still hurts.

And someday, there will be someone who will care enough to be there when I need them

…sometimes.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I know there are people who take care of me too – don’t take this as a slight in any way. Sometimes it’s hard to keep sight of that, and be strong enough for everyone else too. Yes, I know you want to tell me I don’t have to be – but we all know that is exactly what I am, and always will be.

I’m simply having a day.

Posted in emotional | 1 Comment »
May 21st, 2008

I don’t like it when one of my boys is hurting. Z (on of the Boy’s bff) is heartbroken today, and all I can do is hug him.

Girls are mean.

Sigh.

(and yes, I’m fully aware this entry will be repeated a thousand times, from both sides of the equation as the kids grow up. It won’t ever get any easier though.)

  • Hey! You!

    Yeah you! All this bullshit I write? Is mine. So keep your hands off, will ya? I'm sure you could totally come up with better shit on your own.

    Also - dude. All opinions stated herein these pages are my own, and not those of anyone I might work for. Just in case you think I'm slamming something important, like, oh, say, my work place. I love my job, my co-workers, and anything that you might think is about you? Well, you might be right. Just remember I show my affection by endless nagging, picking on, laughing, etc. :) We're adults. Well. I am. On the outside.

    [Thus ends the 'Behave or ima kick your ASS' portion of this blog.]

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