I’m a mean Mom!

While watching Rachael Ray today:

The Boy: She is SO cute. And watching her show always makes me HUNGRY!
Me: Maybe I’ll just go to her site and email her and tell her you think so.
The Boy: You wouldn’t DARE!

Now tell me - what would YOU do? That’s right - what any good mom would. Torture the Teenager. If you were wondering, her email auto respond says this:

WE GOT YOUR EMAIL!!! THANKS SO MUCH FOR TAKING THE TIME TO WRITE AND TELL US HERE AT THE RACHAEL RAY SHOW WHAT YOU THINK AND HOW YOU FEEL. WE LOVE HEARING FROM YOU!!! ALL YOUR COMMENTS AND THOUGHTS MATTER SO KEEP THOSE EMAILS COMING!!

BEST,
RACHAEL RAY STAFF

Clearly they didn’t get the memo about all caps - but well. Ha! HAHA! That’ll teach him to dare ME, won’t it?

Dear Doxycycl,

Alright. You have all the warning labels. Eat with food. NOT WITH DAIRY. Stop taking vitamins unless it’s been 18 hours (and taking ‘em twice a day negates THAT don’t it!) and take with plenty of water. And ditch the antacids TOO. And DON’T for the love of all things holy suffer PROLONG EXPOSURE TO THE SUN!

But you missed one, didn’t you? Oh yes. You missed one. I dare say it is the MOST IMPORTANT one. How should it be worded? Hrm. Something like this…

Please be aware, that on day 12 of a 14 day prescription, your face will suddenly bring back EVERY FOUL MEMORY of being called ‘pizza face’ in jr. high and high school. Oh don’t even think we are kidding - you will break out in such a way you will be CERTAIN it is the END OF THE WORLD and leaving the house will be the cause of GREAT STRESS even for you - YES YOU LESSA who doesn’t normally care because helLO who are you going to impress? Ah yes, our dearest PizzaFaced companions, these last two days will be HELL! HELL WE TELL YOU as you relive your tender teenage years with a breakout to cause all other breakouts to PALE IN COMPARISON and tremble before the knees of OUR PILL INDUCED breakout… Enjoy, mofo! Don’t ya wish you’d just decided breathing WASN’T THAT IMPORTANT after all? MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!

Yeah. That should do it. Assholes.

Sincerely,
Lessa - reliving her teenage pizza-faced years.

PS. You can thank me for not including a photo.

My turn, internets!

Dear Internets,

This is Annabelle. I wants you to know that I ain’t stupid, no matter what Ace said! In fact, he’s just a big stupidhead. While he’s all sucking up to mom, I’m busy protecting the whole house from the invasion of the rattle-y beads! They shimmy and shake and make noise and I will go to any lengths to assure moms and the kids are safe! And? i look DAMN FINE doing it too! He might be cute, but I’m GORGEOUS!

You think I’m kidding bouts the whole suckin up thing? HAH! Every time I turn around, he’s curled up next to mom somehow. He claims the soft spot behind her knees, and leaves me with her ankles! And he’s all about curlin up around her neck and stuff under her ponytail when she’s at her desk. And even when I get a second to cuddle up with mom, his big ole fat butt comes clampering on up to horn in on my time. He’s a big ole fat meany butt, that’s what he is!

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Dear Internets,

Hi. I’m Ace. (the cute one).

Mom says that Silly Kitty Saturday isn’t until tomorrow, but that since she is going out of town, a day early is allright.

I’m feeling a little clingy today. Seems there’s this new white stuff outside, and it’s gotten kinda cold. I don’t like it much. I voiced my displeasure by insisting on sleeping under mom’s covers last night. She was fine with it, because she likes me best. Even when I used her toes for attack practice. At 3am. That was a squeel of glee, for sure.

She’s also going out of town - did I say that already? I don’t like that much at all. She’s not supposed to be up and in the shower this early. We’re supposed to go back to bed for our nap like always. I waited by the door for her, but she didn’t even stop - just pet me on the fly!

I tried to talk to Annabelle about it, but she’s just a big stupid girl, and doesn’t understand. She just sat there, with this dumb look on her face.

(The other kids think it’s cuteness. I know she’s just really kinda stupid. Why else would she keep trying to climb the walls and attack the window blinds? There’s nothing up there! I already checked! Girls. I even have to sleep in a shoebox with her sometimes because she’s a big scairdycat. It’s really rather sad if you think about it.)

So I did the next best thing. I purred really loudly - all night last night, in hopes of convincing her to stay. She didn’t notice, except for the time I was sitting directly under her chin. That didn’t last long. Then, this morning, I sat on mom’s mousepad to remind her she had work to do. If she’s going to be awake, after all, she should be working on those big new projects she’s so proud of! I really need to be kept in the fashion I want to be accustomed too, for Cat’s sake!
So, I sat in her chair when she got up, and when she came back I gave her My Look Of Displeasure and Disgust. She was unmoved. I however was not - she kicked me off the chair! Something is Definitely Up. I don’t like it. Not one bit. I even tried stealing her Q-tips because hello, she can’t go out without clean ears, right? She just got more. I kicked her glasses off the counter into the laundry pile while she was in the shower too, cuz well, mom’s blind and needs her glasses to find her glasses if ya know what I mean. Even that didn’t deter her. Next time I’ll bury them. In the cat box.

Anyway. Think good thoughts for mom for me, ok? She’s riding up to some big city on the other side of the mountains with that big guy who says he hates cats but always pets me anyway but won’t let me attack his big ole cowboy hat. (I’d look rather dashing in it, I think.) She says she’ll be back tomorrow night. She’d better be. I don’t like sleeping in that big ole bed with just Annabelle. Anna gets mad when I attack HER - Mom never does.

So she gots to hurry home. I mean really - how can she resist this face?

My point exactly. Thanks, Internets. Mom always said you was cool.

purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,
Ace. (the cute one.)

PS. She caught me trying to stow away in her purse. Must be sneakier next time, and remember to hide the tail. And bribe Annabelle. She’s a little nark!

Dear teenage little twit behind the wheel of the white piece of shit…

Did you even NOTICE you almost hit me? Not once, but TWICE? First when you pealed out onto the highway from your sideroad, looking BEHIND ME, and thus almost clipping my back end because you popped into my lane OH SO EARLY? And then when I slowed to make a turn, and you cut in front of me to get into the same lane for the next driveway?

Did you think I didn’t know that was you parked in the space across from me as my youngest daughter dropped the movies in the blockbuster box? Do you not REALIZE that had my youngest daughter not been in my car that you would have gotten FAR MORE then the middle finger you got?

I think you do realize it. Because that look on your teenage acne covered face was one of ‘oh. shit.’ and believe me, I was sorely SORELY tempted to give you a piece of my mind. As well as look up your licence plate number. That I wrote down. And perhaps even following you home to have a little chat with your mother.

Perhaps next time you’ll think before driving like a maniac. I do hope so - because if you don’t? Well. I’ll simply have to call your mom. I’m sure she’d be HAPPY to hear how her preeeeeshush baby drives when she’s not watching.

That’s right. Don’t mess with me you little testosterone laden freak. I will SO tell your mother on you. Right after I blog about it.

Your oh so irritated elder,
~L

PS. To TheBoy of mine? If you EVER. EVER even THINK of pulling a stunt like this, I will so take away your keys. Assuming I ever let you drive, and all.

PPS. HEY! YOU! Get offa my LAWN!