Not so Proud…

One of the arguments Kevin and I often had was about accepting help – or “pity handouts” as he used to call them. He and I would go on and on and around and around about applying for public aid when we needed it, food stamps, Denali Kid Care medical insurance for the kids, so on and so forth. He wanted nothing more then to be able to provide for his family all on his own – and he did his damnedest to do so, and managed pretty well. He was a master at trading toys to get something new that he wanted for himself of me or the kids. We did ok. Sure – we were in dept and when he had money he could go through it like crazy and he drove me insane because he never had a clue how much things cost and so on and so forth and we argued and bitched and blah blah blah – but we did alright – and I applied for things as needed, when needed, and we did ok. ANd while we did ok, I always kept an eye out for those who weren’t. When we get food from the foodbank, the cans of things we won’t use are put back into the Canned Food Drives, We drop change in the Salvation Army bucket, we have adopted Angels from the Angel Tree and done Toys for Tots when we could. I never thought about it – it’s just something we always have done, because no matter what we had or didn’t have, there’s always someone who has less, and needs more.

Now, I’ve been trying to get over that proud streak, and accept the help that’s been given. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I hear him say “We don’t need that!” even when I know we do, and it takes something for me to smile and accept things. But one thing is for certain –

I am not so proud that I won’t say thank you.

Someone in Nana Moosie’s church anonymously placed an envelope in her bible when she was in the other room. Inside it was cash – enough to pay bills and make sure my kids get Christmas this year – with perfect timing because Nana Moosie and I had just started planning a shopping trip to Walmart for this weekend. The school also had a family “adopt” us, and I was notified today that I will be getting a box on Saturday (don’t panic Nana Moose! Auntie Ladybug is gonna pick it up since we’ll be en route home!) – My worries about making this Christmas something to remember for the kids, with good memories along with the fact that we miss Daddy horribly, those worries are gone, thanks to the generousity of people I don’t even know. I can’t thank them enough for what they’ve done for me and my kids – it’s because of them that I can still function without completely panicing about the little – and sometimes big – things.

We made some jokes about how Kevin would be rearranging things up there and arguing until he gets his way – and well, there’s been other things that prove a bit of meddling too. I have a web update job that I do for about $100 a month. I found out that the guy is selling the business, and I’m not part of the package (thank god – I hate that site with the heat of a thousand suns!) and thus, in the next couple of months, that $100 a month is gone. Some minor adjustments and I’d have been ok, it was just a “gah!” moment, but not too bad. Imagine my surprise when I received notice from Social Security that same day. Four envelopes, which means it had something to do with the survivors benefits we are getting. I was leery about opening it, expecting bad news. Instead, i found that starting in january we will be getting a ‘cost of living’ hike – and adding the four additions together? it’s $100 more a month.

Yeah. Someone’s nudging some well placed elbows up round there, for sure.

So – while I still find myself in unexpected tears and expected tears, and my heart is still beating brokenly: I am saying thank you – to all those who hold us in your thoughts, in your prayers, and who have helped in 1000 different ways. I believe in paying it forward, and know that all your efforts are appreciated and will be not be forgotten.

Thank you.