Traditional NYE wrapup

So people all over the net today are doing the traditional yearly wrapup – what they did, didn’t do, what they wanted, got, didn’t want, got anyway, so on and so forth. I’d thought about trying to do that too, but it just wasn’t working.

I still feel like I’m floating through space, that time has no meaning, that there’s no difference between one day and the next. The darkness of last year still clings to my senses, to the edges of my thoughts. It’s almost comforting, in a frightening kind of way. Every day is the same – no sleep, too much sleep, no thought, too much thought, nothing different everything different. Contradiction seems to be my middle name.

The kids keep me afloat, but now more then ever I want to shy away from talks of Kevin and want to cover my eyes and ears and thoughts and dive deep into myself where none of it matters or happened – anything at all. I paste a smile on my face, I make the motions, I move through the day with spurts of laughter and brief glimpses of sunlight that are all too soon tinged in darkness again.

My kids are the light of my life – they are the ones keeping my head above water, bringing laughter just when I think I have forgotten how to smile. Even so, i worry so much for them, how they are dealing, how they really feel. They seem so strong, so tough, so connected to his memory – he is their hero. I want to keep that alive, to foster that feeling of connection, even though every moment of memory and laughter is another bladed stab to my heart and soul. I focus so much on helping them, I lose me.

But then again, this floating feeling is comfortable, familiar. I’ve always had it, though never to this degree. Day by day, same same same. Its a slippery slope, I know that, and sometimes I feel my hand holds are smaller then normal, the niche I’ve shoved my feet in are swallowing the precarious grip. But still I cling, and perhaps even gain an inch or two with the aid of a friend or family’s shoulder here, a gentle nudge there, a not so gentle nudge elsewhere.

So what to do? I’ll keep on clinging to that slope, for now, inching my way up and likely sliding back down a time or two. I’ll use the shoulders and hand-ups as they are needed. And I’ll try to achieve something other then floating in the coming year.

(PS – and yes, I’m ok. just a little introspective.)