Seventeen – reasons to laugh!

So, have you ever sat down and READ the magazines your daughter is thumbing through and reading carefully and taking notes on? When Seventeen or Cosmo Girl arrives at our house, there’s giggling, and snorting, and ooohing and ahhing over fashions she’d never really wear, eager reading of the stories about celebs and general total immersion in the World Of Girly until she’s read every single word.

It’s frightening. But familiar, and typical.

So the other day, I found the latest magazine discarded into the Reading Pile (aka – stacked on the counter next to toilet) and decided to thumb through it. Ads, ads, ads, a little blurb here, a little blurb there, and – the Guide To Flirting In School.

WELL then.

Clearly, this was a must read for me, as I may eventually choose to date again. While I am not in high school (obviously – and thank you for keeping your laughter and pointing to a minimum), maybe there’s some tips to help me remember how to do it, as well as to prepare me for the shennanagans my daughter might be up too. So, I read the way to ‘say the flirtiest things’ for when ‘your crush has you tongue-tied’, and couldn’t help but laugh. Maybe the boys back in my day were different, but none of these lines would have worked – not that I had tried them, of course. And even if I did, would I tell you? (…probably.) Or maybe I was just too much of a dork. I leave it up to you to decide.

So here they are – what to say in different situations, levels of crush-dom, and what would have happened had I tried this in my day. Maybe your experiences were/are different – feel free to toss them in the comments if so. Or just laugh at me. It’s ok, I’m used to it!

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Section One! If you barely know him, the object is to get him to talk by asking questions that encourage him to give longer answers… So, try this when you are:

In class: Want to work with me on this? Rumor has it your an awesome lab partner!
When HS Lessa tries: uh, um, oh, shit I didn’t mean to spill that on you… it’s only a chemical burn, and you can totally have some of my butt skin for a graft if you need it…

In the Hallway: I love your shirt! Did you pick it out, or do you have a very stylish girlfriend?
Poor HS Lessa: Dude, ya mama dresses ya funny. Oh, your girlfriend picked it out? What’s the difference?

In the Lunch Line: Funny, I wouldn’t have pegged you as a pudding guy!
Hungry Lessa: HANDS OFF MY PUDDING, ASSHEAD!

At a Game: I just got here, did I miss any action in the first quarter?
Non-athletic Lessa has nothing to say, because she got kicked off the field/court for asking her crush, the star quaterback/point guard/totally unobtainable way out of her league guy, a question in the middle of the game. Duh.

Section Two! Now, there is, of course, a different strategy if you’re already flirty friends! Now, the object is to ask him to spend time with you in a cute and casual way. Needless to say, Lessa? She doesn’t do cute too well. Let’s look in on our poor high-schooler…

In Class: Studying for this test would suck a lot less if we did it together.. you in?
Semi-Desperate Lessa: What? sure, I’ll totally give you all my notes, and let you peek at my test. That’d be awesome! (Inside dialog: OMG HE TOTALLY DIGS ME!)

In the Hallway: Admit it, you keep passing my locker so that you can walk me to class…
Shy, blushing Lessa: Uh, um, sure, I’ll carry your books. And your soda. And your gym bag. No, I don’t mind that it’s completely on the other side of the school than my class at ALL! (Inner dialog: what’s another tardy? I’ve got 10 already!)

Lunch Line: I see you eying my fries! I could be in a sharing mood if you ask nicely.
Hungry Lessa: HANDS OFFA MY FRIES YA ZITFACED FREAK! (Inner dialog: HANDS OFFA MY FRIES YA ZITFACED FREAK!)

At a Game: Executive Decision: We’re all getting pizza after the game, and you’re coming too!
Too shy to exist Lessa to her BFF: YOU ask him, I can’t! No, YOU! YOU! Fine, wanna go.. hey? where’d he go?!

Section Three! You’re in the bigtime now, he’s gonna ask you out and you know it! All you need is an opening… So, if you’re hooking up (and Mama Lessa hasn’t locked you in your room FOREVER for even thinking of things like dates and stuff) you want to be flirty and bold, give him that opportunity to ask you out.

In Class: We should celebrate when this test is over – I promise we won’t talk about photosynthesis!
Tongue Tied Lessa: So, uh, you wanna come over later? Promise we won’t talk about this test on photosynthesis… because, you know, this is algebra. hahaaha! (Inner dialog: omgiwannadie..)

In the Hallway: You were in my dream last night! I can fill you in on the details this weekend!
Poor HS Lessa: Dude, I totally had a dream about you last night! We were… hey! Wait! Why you running away?! COME BACK!

In the Lunch Line: We should go out someplace real – where the food doesn’t come on plastic trays!
Hungry Lessa: FEEEEEEEEEED MEEEEEEEEEE…. McD run? I’ll buy!

At a game: Want to make a bet? If we win, Slurpees on you, if they win, my treat!
Dorkalicious Lessa to the nth degree: OMG I’m so sorry! I spilled my slurpee there on the court, I was gonna get a rag, but you slipped on it before I could! OMG, is the bone supposed to stick out of the skin like that? It’s only the championship – you can totally beat them next year!

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So there you have it. How to get that cute guy to either ask you out, or run away as fast as his legs can carry him. Life was so much easier when we could just throw rocks at boys and they’d love us forever… Good luck!