What you do, matters!

We hear it all the time from teenagers around the world. “Do we HAVE too?” It usually has to do something with trying to get out of spending time with the family, getting along with the siblings, sitting down at the dinner table to eat as a cohesive family unit. Sometimes we feel bad if we force the kids to do these family activities, but new studies suggest we certainly should not feel bad, and should continue to make the effort to have ‘family time’!

Reuters even goes so far as to suggest a connection between family dinner and sex.

…family dinners at THEIR house must be a much less boring affair, huh?

Just kidding, of course. The general premise of the study talked about in the article is that when we spend more time with our kids, either at the dinner table or in some other familial activities, we’re instilling in our kids a maturity and ability to make better decisions in all areas, including when to have sex. The study didn’t measure the risk factors of such sexual encounters, just the general number of time the teenagers indulged during the study.

Here’s what they found:

However, having a parent who used “negative and psychologically controlling” behavior increased the likelihood that a teen would be having risky sex. This includes “criticizing the ideas of the adolescents, controlling and directing what they think and how they feel,” Coley explained.

“Negative and psychologically controlling parenting behaviors may inhibit adolescents’ development of self-efficacy and identity, interfere with mature and responsible decision making skills, and affect the development of healthy relationships, in turn leading to an elevated likelihood of engaging in risky behaviors,” the researchers suggest.

On the other hand, they add, family activities are “centrally important supports for children, providing opportunities for emotional warmth, communication, and transmission of values and beliefs.”

The findings make it clear, Coley said, that “what parents do with their adolescents really matters.”

Me and the kids, we’ve never been ones to sit around a dinner table, though we all generally eat at the same time and in the same room. Close enough, I suppose, even if it’s noshing on greasy pizza while watching The Biggest Loser on TV. (…what? *g*) I’m a lot more involved with my kids throughout the day though, than a lot of parents have the ability to be. We talk a LOT throughout the day, and my kids call me often just to check in and say hi.. tell me where they are, who they’re with, and tease me that they’re having wild sex parties without inviting me.

Harumph.

I think the most important thing is that I talk TO my kids, not DOWN to my kids. It’s not so much the time and place and variety of feasting going on, so much as the time itself. I make sure my kids know they can tell me anything, I accept them for all their foibles and mishaps and mistakes and arguments just as easily as I do for the times they are shining examples of humanity that glow with innocent joy, health and wellbeing.

Yeah, there’s a lot more of the first rather then the second, but that’s exactly why it’s important to make those connections throughout the day. Whether it’s to check on what time The Boy has to work, and how his day at school went, or to nag The Girl to make sure she turns in her homework and laugh with her and her friends about stupid jokes, or to tease The Girl’s best friend, MK, about dating The Boy, or even stringing my youngest up by her toes and poking her with carrots until she agrees to behave – it’s all in those moments of connection. Every conversation, no matter how brief, means one thing:

I care.

And when the kids know we care what happens to them, what they’re doing, and what kind of person they are becoming, they’re less likely to engage in risky behavior before their ready.

So hug your kids today. Talk to them about school. Laugh at the stupid jokes, tease them about the girls, the boys, the dorky things they do. Check on their homework, but without the militant pressure, make time to see their concerts, plays, games. Make it a point to get to know who they’re dating, terrifying they’re girlfriends/boyfriends. Tease them. Laugh with them. Love them. It will make a difference, I promise you.