Abstinence in the real world

We talk about sex a lot in our house. I’ve have two teenagers and have never been squeamish about giving detailed descriptions and scarring my kids for life. “You were conceived not as you wish to believe, through immaculate conception, but through sex. FAT PEOPLE SEX.” I’m also the one who gave all the teenagers STD’s for Christmas.

I know, I know, not a “normal” mom, am I? However, for us and our sick sense of humor, it’s clearly working, as my 17 year old and my 14 year old are both virgins still. Which means I’ll let them live a little longer. I’m nice like that.

Thing is, though, I’ve never been one to preach the abstinence trail, other than as an afterthought. My main point to my kids is that I want them to wait until they’re READY, and to be ready and willing to make a mature and responsible decision when they believe they are. The up side to those conversations is that it covers the fact that yes, abstinence is realistic – for a time. And that time is dictated by the teenager themselves, not anyone else.

Bristol Palin’s comment about it not being realistic sparked a lot of comments in the blogasphere. The internets were buzzing, and us Alaskans were once again forced into the limelight. No biggy to me, really. I voted for the other guy – and have a habit of not giving a damn what other people think of me. Anyway, it’s the reactions that have me shaking my head – because honey, there is a lot of victim blaming going on…

For instance, over at Adventures in Parenting, they broach this subject matter in praise of those who have made the choice to wait. Good job teens! I respect that decisions – what I don’t respect, however, is her take on teens that may not go that way. It’s not that she finds it impossible, but that she blames the way the girl is DRESSED, the fact they might see a romantic movie, and then go to a house where no one is home, rather then go on a group date, dress modestly, and play board games with their parents while eating snacks lovingly provided by said parental units.

I’d bet my left arm she’s the mother of a boy.

You see, this is where it starts. This is where you start blaming the girl in the short skirt for getting herself raped, the girl with piercings and funky hair for getting stabbed in the park – who cares that she’s a straight a student, that she doesn’t do drugs, that she is by all accounts A Good Girl who didn’t deserve to be victimized – especially by the media, by the perpetrator’s parents because their preshush baby boy would never THINK of that if her skirt had been ankle length, and matched her turtleneck while they were surrounded by parents and friends, by her friends or by random strangers on the internets.

It makes me angry – VERY angry. So much so that I waited over a week before I wrote this entry, and I’m STILL angry. NOthing there speaks of how the boys might be dressed – thugged out and with bling everywhere or suit and tie, or that sometimes it’s nice to NOT have to drag around all your friends on a date – or that even surrounded by your friends and/or family it is entirely possibly to get your freak on anyway.

No, the blame is on the girls low-rise jeans and tight blouses, the movie industry, and an empty house.

Do I want my daughter dressing like a hoochie mama? No. If she were into style and fashion (she’s a jeans and loose t-shirt kinda girl), I’d do the responsible thing and we’d talk and shop together and find compromises that pleased us both, and remained fashionable. I have little room to talk, after all, since I grew up in the Big Hair Era, with skin tight leggings and oversized shirts cinched with a belt and boys that collected scrunchies from girls they made out with. The point is – I’d talk to her about it, and about what message she wants to send, because she will have no control over how that message is interpreted.

It’s time to put the blame where it belongs – parents who don’t give a shit enough to talk honestly to their kids about sex and teach them to take responsibility for their own actions. It’s time to sit down and TALK TO YOUR KIDS, and quit being so squeamish that you resort to shoving abstinence down their throat as the only option – because if you don’t, don’t be surprised when your Good Little Girl comes up pregnant – like the pastor’s kid from across the street who had her first child a month after she turned 16.

Stop being scared of your kids and the tough talks about realistic subjects, and stop placing blame where it doesn’t belong. Your kids WILL have sex, eventually, whether it be at 14 or 21 or 40, either armed with realistic expectations and information, or not.

Which option do you prefer?