Letting go…

Since my husband died, one of the hardest things to do has been to watch my son grow up without his father. Wednesday marked the end of our fourth year since his death, and while we keep moving on, keep plugging away day to day, his loss is something still very fresh and raw – for my son, perhaps, more than his sisters. He’d never say it, but it shows in little ways – the way he’s determined to help pay his own way, the care he takes of me and his sisters (though he’d never admit the latter, he is STILL their big brother!), the insistence that he take on more responsibility on his own with each little step aimed at lessening my stress level just a touch.

Most of this, I think he does without thinking about it, as that’s simply how he is. He’s always been the friend others lean on, the one who’d give you the shirt off his back multiple times if you need it – but if you fuck him over… well. you’re dead to him. heh. He gets that from his daddy too.

There are things that he’s done, though, that were aimed expressly at becoming more independent. First, he got a job in the cafeteria, so that his lunches were free – all on his own. Truth be told, that thought hadn’t even occurred to me. Secondly, he took over monitoring his own grades in an act of defiant responsibility – also known as MOM QUIT NAGGING!

Our school system using an online source where parents and students can keep track of assignments and grades and contact the teachers easily. Last year, The Boy took a stand, and asked that I just TRUST him, and let him take care of it – to believe him when he says he’s passing, and that he’s caught up on the credits he needs, that he was in line for graduation.

It was hard for me to let go of that control, of that ability to peek and nag. I checked in with him often, doing what I always preach up in here – TALKING TO MY KID – but I did not go into his account and double check. I trusted he was telling me the truth about his grades. When I received his report card, I discovered that he was, indeed, taking care of things on his own. It was frightening and exhilarating all at once. This growing up stuff, is HARD. (…for ME.) Hard enough that I admit, while setting up the parent accounts for this year – I peeked JUST TO MAKE SURE that he had the credits needed, though I was pretty sure he did, since he qualified for Work Release. (basically a half day of school.) But I figure I was due ONE peek, after a whole YEAR of being good.. right? Right? (Just nod your head. Thanks. 🙂 )

This year, he took this whole responsibility thing a bit further. In one of the Senior courses, the new requirement is that you have to clock a certain amount of community service hours. Uh, my kid is not a community service kinda kid. He gets that from me – I’m not a joiner, in any form. While he’ll do something on his own – if it’s REQUIRED and OFFICIAL, he gets a little irritated. So he found another way, helped out by his best friend’s girlfriend who did the same.

After asking my permission, my son skipped school yesterday and went to the HomeSchool office, ordered this course as a home study course, got all of the information on where and how to take the test to get the credit, PAID FOR IT HIMSELF, cleared it with his school councilor, rearranged his schedule to take a different required course that he would have taken next semester – thus increasing his load THIS semester. All I had to do was sign the paper.

While part of me is proud of the initiative he took, and how he completed it all on his own, I have to admit there’s a small part of me that cried. Just a tiny part of my heart wonders just where my little boy went. You know, the one who needed me for everything, the one who depending on me to make things right for him, including nagging about school and helping him rearrange priorities when it was necessary. Not that I’ll stop nagging – but still. What happened to THAT kid?

While I’ll always miss those little arms wrapped around my neck, cradled in the safety of mama’s arms… I have to admit that this growing up thing is kinda cool. Bottom line – I’m proud of the man he’s becoming. And the almost-grown-up-Senior-in-high-school-taking-care-of-business hugs are pretty nice too.