Is it REALLY that bad?

In the last few years – well, ever since I became a parent, I think – I’ve noted a disturbing trend that just seems to get worse and worse. It’s the ‘blame someone else for your problems and get a professional to corroborate with you so it’s acceptable’ trend. I don’t like it. In fact, it drives me absolutely crazy.

Here’s the thing – every single time a problem arises with our teenagers, or something that is deemed a problem with might not really be one at all, someone suggests counseling. Maybe it’s the parent, maybe it’s other parents, but someone, somewhere, wants those teenagers slapped in counseling stat! It’s the standard answer to EVERYTHING. Backtalking teen? Make ’em talk to a professional. Fighting with a sibling over silly stuff? Dude. Counseling. Teenager embarrassed to be seen with you? OMFG GET IN THERE NOW!

It’s RIDICULOUS.

Now, as opposed as I am to letting some stranger talk to my kids and tell me what they’re all about for reasons that will appear in a moment, I know that there are times that such things are needed. There are instances where counseling is not only the only thing that will help, but also the last resort. I’m not saying that all counselors are bad, and should be lined up and shot or anything drastic like that. If the need is there, use the resources. I’m simply saying that as parents, we seem to be a LOT more prone to overreacting and sweating the small stuff than ever before.

Here’s something that a lot of parent’s forget (along with forgetting what WE were like when WE were teenagers!) – if you have built a relationship with your child, where you talk often and freely, than you have no need for a stranger to help you with the little things. That stranger doesn’t know your child. Despite any changes that are currently driving you nuts – YOU know your child better than ANYONE. You just need to step back and think calmly about it.

Here’s the thing: Teenagers are trying to grow up, and often times, we’re trying to hold them back. This results in the age old fight about what responsibilities they’re really ready for. We often talk by yelling, instead of talking calmly and setting guidelines. We instantly bash them for being disrespectful, while they scream we just don’t understand! And no one steps back, takes a breath, and LISTENS.

A counselor’s job is to listen, yes. But shouldn’t it be YOUR job first? I mean, I get it. It’s hard. You’re busy. They won’t listen to you. They just fight and fight and take advantage and never give in. It’s a battle that will never be won. Who is this stranger living your house, anyway, and why can’t you have your baby back?

Face it, parents. Try as you might, you cannot stop the growing up process, or the struggle your teen is going to go through to establish their own identity. The more you mourn the child they WERE, the more you miss of the awesome person they ARE.

As you’ve seen me preach here ever since I took over this blog, my message remains the same. TALK TO YOUR KIDS.

-If your teenagers won’t stop fighting with your pre-teen, realize that it’s a STAGE, it happens, and it’s no reason to force the resentment that will surely come from forcing them into a situation unwarranted with a stranger. And they will resent it. As long as no one is physically hurting the other, and there are glimmers of times they get along – deal with it on your own. Don’t cop out. Sit down with your teens and CALMLY talk about your own experiences with your siblings. My sister and I, for instance, were at each others throats a LOT. We’re much better now, and though she still drives me nuts at times, I consider her a friend, and not just my sister.

Don’t paint your life with your siblings as perfect, or as hell on wheels. Tell it true, good and bad, and remind them that sometimes family is all you have. Work together with your teens to find some common ground, some way that they can bond with their younger (and annoying, of course) sibling. Remind them they’re older, and more mature, and they’re going to have to start acting like it. Their younger sibling idolizes the ground they walk on – they need to cut her/him some lack now and again. Make sure that you set boundaries with the younger one too. As much as they want to be with their cooler older siblings 24-7, they CAN’T. They need to learn to back off, just as the teens need to learn to give them time. Compromise – it is your friend.

– If your kid backtalks and slams doors and fights over every decision you make, sit them down and start a dialog about these decisions. They’re growing up. They want some say. You hold the ultimate card, but often talking to them so that they understand your worry goes a long way. Compromise – within limits – is your friend! Give a little, and they will respect it a lot. Ask their opinion. You’d be SHOCKED at how smart they really are!

And if they slam the door again, take it off the hinges for a while. They’ll learn.

– Realize that even if they complain and bitch about your rules, they understand on some level that you’re keeping them safe, and they respect it. They may push against those boundaries and force you to crack down, but that’s how they learn. You’re teaching them personal responsibility. No stranger can do that for you.

“But!” – you cry, and yes, I can hear it – “What if they fail? What if they get hurt? What if they don’t listen and something goes wrong and they suffer for it? What if they never realize I’m right and they make the same mistakes I did?”

Three words for you: Let. Them. Fail.

I know. It’s hard. We want to protect them from the mistakes we made, and we want to tell them how to skip that part and be automatically little adults with perfect lives, because it means we did our job perfectly. And when the Teen acts out, and fights back, and tries to squirm out an extra hour after curfew, call their little sister a name, gets their heart broken by the guy you told her not to see – we can temporarily lose our focus. Putting our kids in a perfectly padded little room does NOTHING to teach them how to deal with their problems. Some day, we won’t be there. We need to give them the tools to prepare for that day.

Bottom line is this – your kids best counselor is you. Be a good role model. Be honest with them about your past. Talk to them and tell them what helped you get through it. LISTEN to them without judgment, and give them the opportunity to take risks. You’ll be there to help them back up when they fall. Don’t teach them to rely on some stranger to put them back together again – teach them to rely on THEMSELVES, by allowing them to rely on YOU.

Yeah, that means that someday? They won’t need us. But that’s ok, because then they’ll come to us for advice anyway, because we’ve a proven track-record – we’re trustworthy, and we love them no matter what mistakes they make. We’re raising responsible adults here, not overly coddled entitled whiner monkeys. Make a stand, pick your battles, LISTEN to your teen and TALK it out.

Then? You just might not need that counselor after all.