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It’s been a long week. You expect certain days when you’ve lost someone. There are dates that you know from the beginning that will strangle you from the inside, pressing at your mind, suffocating your thoughts, and forcing your carefully controlled reactions to overflow in copious amounts of mood swings and tears. You don’t expect the little things – like breaking the last brush in the house and having to open his toiletry bag to get the one you know is there, with strands of his hair still attached because you don’t have time to go to the store for a new one. Or using the last of his tube of toothpaste.
It’s the unexpected, random things and days that really, really suck.
I had a complete meltdown saturday night/sunday/monday. Despite my normal state of not sleeping, I retreated by telling the kids I had a headache, and slept for about 24 hours with only a couple hours of random wakefulness during sunday/monday. I still feel bad for it – but had it was the only way i could cope with the darkness that was swallowing me whole. They don’t seem any worse for wear, in fact they likely don’t remember it at all. The older two are quite capable of watching the pup and It wasn’t like I didn’t wake up when they did need me and tend to them. And they got to control the TV remote without my grumbling. So guilty irish woman inside me – shut up already. (that never works. just so you know. heh.)
Got a txt message from TBF wednesday night asking if I was ok. Finally got tired of typing on phone pad, and called – helped tremendously just to hear him. We figured it was just a delayed reaction from the beginning of the week. Course, now I know it may have been premonition.
So what is it that stopped me from calling him this morning? Stupid movie made a random comment ‘He was 43’ and i heard ‘He was 33’ and that, with a realization that nothing I have smells like him any longer, not his pillows, his clothing, anything – was all it took. 3 hours later, puffy-eyed and covered in used tissues and exhausted, and I’d stopped myself from calling and waking TBF up 80 gazzillion times. It was 3-4-5am, but he yells at me for not calling no matter what time it is.
So here I am. 30 minutes of sleep before the alarm went off. Eyes hot, puffy, scratchy. Abs aching. Body screaming for rest. And I can’t make *any* connection to day, time of day, anything that set this breakdown off other then watching a stupid movie and not even really hearing what was said because I was attempting to drift off to sleep.
I guess – it’s just one of *those* days.
*Those* days suck.
(Yes, I’m basically ok. I know it’s all part of the process. The process – btw – also sucks. No need for panic. Or interventions. Or drugs. [Although… heh. j/k] Or phone calls. Specially not phone calls, cuz soon as the pup’s off to school, I’m going to sleep. So – Nana, Auntie – I’m alright. Don’t panic. Sometimes, even my strength and control crumbles, s’all. Few hours sleep and I’ll be fine [And we all know what fine means – Fucked up, Irrational, Neurotic and Emotional.] and back to normal.)
Night and day…
I always scoffed when Nana told me that me and my sister were like ‘night and day’ when we got up in the mornings, even though I knew it to be true. She, a total weirdo, was a morning person, and got up early and did the girly hair and makeup thing. I, normal in every way, got up at the last possible moment, grumped out to the car, and pulled my hair into a ponytail somewhere alone the way and considered it good. Now, it’s even MORE amusing, because now? it’s MY girls.
Exhibit A: The Girl
Her morning routine is very likely the main reason we know she is mine, and not somehow my sister. Because, you see, she gets up only after several yells, and stomps and grumps down the hall, only half the time actually making it into the shower on time, the other half doing the ‘hair in the pony tail’ route before FLOPPING down on the couch for a 10 minute catnap, only then will she grab her stuff and stomp out the door.
She does, however, redeem herself in her Auntie’s eyes by being extra girly EVERY OTHER SECOND OF THE DAY. From nails, to hair, to makeup (very little, and she only gets to wear it if it’s so natural I can’t tell she has it on), to sewing, to crafty stuff, to talking on the phone for hours, to PINK EVERYTHING! MUST! HAVE! PINK!
But oh, the amusement Nana gets from the stories of my having to DRAG THE GIRL physically out of bed every morning. Probably because by the time she gets down to Nana and Papa’s house for breakfast, she’s discovered her smile and her oh so cute giggle.
And then there’s Exhibit B: The pup.
This child BOUNCES out of bed. Litterally. She is singing by the time she hits the bathroom, and outright laughing by the time she hits the living room. There are games, jokes, constant reminders to quit playing around and GET CLOTHES ON ALREADY ya streaker, and laughter and “oh! mom! guess what!” so on and so forth. She – the child who talks even in her sleep – barely pauses for breath as she tells me of her dreams, and what she’s going to do at school oh and the plantitive cries of “MOOOOOOM where’s PAPA? I’m HUUUUUUUUUUNGRY!”
She picks her clothes, gets dressed (with reminders that hello! you cannot go to school NAKED so put them ON please.) grinning her gap-toothed smile all the while. There is the constant daily search for shoes that she never seems to be able to PUT IN THE SHOE CUBBY so that we don’t have to do this EVERY SINGLE DAY. There is the poking, the laughing, the crawling into my lap just to get in my way.
These two girls, MY girls, couldn’t be more different if they actively tried. And I love them exactly the same, for exactly that reason.
(What about the boy, you ask? Ha. We don’t speak to him in the mornings. Just like it’s usually wise not to speak to me in the mornings too. Heh. That one’s mine, without a doubt!)
(….they’re all mine without a doubt, ya freaks. but ya know what I mean. *g*)
The Lake House (2006)
– Aw *sniff* A lovely little romantic movie that nitpickers will hate. I loved it. 10/10
X-Men: The Last Stand
– Ok, so loads of people didn’t like this? But I did. Pays not to have any pre-conceived notions… 9/10
