"I'd never allow that!"

You hear it all the time – hell, I’ve said it more then once myself – when stories like Rihanna and Chris Brown hit the newstands, or any other situations of abuse… especially when the victim returns to their abuser as Rihanna has recently gone back to Brown. We’d never do that, never allow it to happen to us, we can’t believe she went back, etc. Thing is, that’s a very slippery slope that leads to Victim Blaming – if only she’d done this or that, it wouldn’t have happened, and that my friends is a line of pure bullshit.

First, we don’t know the whole story, we only know what’s been reported. I saw the picture that was being posted, and know that there are investigations currently going on, but the facts are that Brown has not been charged as of yet, and even in this is innocent until proven guilty. Do I think he did it? Absolutely. And I hope they can prove it. So why did she go back to him?

There’s a lot of reasons that a woman would go back to an abuser. My mom works in the local shelter here in town, and has written a post worth reading that includes a list of some of those reasons. While the financial reasons and some of the others do not fit Rihanna’s profile, perhaps there are others. She’s a singer, a star, but that does not mean she doesn’t have self esteem issues, or other factors that went into her returning.

It takes an average of SEVEN TIMES before a victim will leave their abuser – that means some leave the first time, others take many more times hen the 7 to decide they’ve had enough. All we can do now is hope that Rihanna is safe, and that her support system is firmly in place so that this doesn’t happen again.

What does that mean to us as parents of teenagers? It means that we need to use this situation to open up conversations with our teens about the dangers of both physical and psychological abuse. Talk to your kids about the code of conduct you expect them to live by, and open the lines of communication so that they feel comfortable coming to you if something does happen. Alert them to the signs, so that they can be aware of the signals in their own relationships, as well as that of their friends. But as I preach over and over again – just talk to them.

My husband suffered a childhood of horrendous abuse, and was living proof that as broken as he often felt, the cycle of violence could be destroyed and stopped within him. It didn’t make our life easy, but it certainly made us aware, and we’ve raised our kids to be aware of the signs and to have the strength to stand up to an abuser. We’ve given them the tools – and pray that they never need them. Most of all, the kids know they can come talk to me about ANYTHING.

So use this, use the situation with Rihanna and Chris Brown not to condemn the story we only currently know pieces of, and not to blame the victim – but instead to teach our kids the signs, to be sure they’re aware, and to make sure the lines of communication are open. We may never know the full story of what happened between them, but we CAN make sure we have a say in the stories our children will write with their relationships.

If your worried about your teen, here are some signs of abuse in a dating relationship, as well as some statistics. Educate yourself, so that you can educate your kids.