Talk about it, talk about him.
Some people, once a loved one has died think it’s just too hard to talk about them, too emotionally raw. I can see where they come to that conclusion, but I never once thought about NOT talking about Kevin. We spent 15 years together, and with three kids who were feeling his loss as keenly as I was, I knew it was important to talk about Daddy and all he meant – and still means – to them.
There’s times though, that I wish they’d give it a break. Even now, 3 years later, where it isn’t quite as raw, quite as new, but instead is a comfortable and well-known ache, it gives me pause when I hear “daddy would have…” or “once time, daddy did…” or “remember?” Because I do remember… everything. What he said, what he did, what they remember, what they think of.
Being the holidays, his name has come up a LOT from my youngest – in everything from Christmas memories, to “Whenever I get sick I think of daddy because I was sick when he died.” [To be honest, i don’t remember that she was sick when he died, but then again, I don’t remember much of anything of that first 48 hours, either.] Sometimes it’s hard to answer, even if your not really obligated too, even if it’s the pup who’s just talking to hear herself talk. I don’t want to stilt the conversation though, so I do my best to at least nod, to at least say “I know” – especially now, during the holidays.
Kevin never was one to appreciate Christmas. He never cared, as his upbringing was one of pain and terror, instead of love and support. He didn’t really see the point until we had kids, and he was finally able to view it through their eyes, the way it should be. Despite how much it hurts, then, I’ll continue to nod, smile, hug, and hold the precious memories of my kids in the open, under the sun, where they can continue to flourish and nourish their still tender hearts.
Even as mine still breaks.
Happy Holidays!
I know, it’s been a few days, but in my defense? I totally got the Stomach Flu for Christmas – likely from one of the teenagers – and I was certain you all wouldn’t want to come here to read me whining about how horrible I felt despite the fact that omg Christmas Eve Pizza Party at my Sister’s house was awesome and loud and festive and Christmas morning was fun and exciting and the Christmas Ham at Nana’s was delicious – at least it was going DOWN, if ya get my meaning…
So I took a few days off, that’s all I’m sayin’.
Speaking of contagious diseases, and the teenagers that give/get them (Oh that’s a lovely segue, isn’t it?!) I know you all are dying to know what they thought of getting STDs for Christmas, aren’t you! So here, in the spirit of Christmas giving, each of them allowed me to take their picture for a change, with only my son being all finger flippy (and yes, Nana, I totally threw things at him for it) sarcastic about the picture. He hates pictures. That’s why I’m sure to post them. heh. Everyone else allowed it, though, just so I could share them with you:
Isn’t that the goofiest bunch of teenagers you’ve ever seen? They’re all good kids though, and I’m glad they’re all “mine” – by birth, by ‘adopting’, by chance. They make me laugh, they make me shake my head in dismay, they make me groan – but most of all, they make me happy.
I hope your holidays contained some smiling, smart-ass teenagers to make you laugh as well – and, you know, at least one less contagious disease.
🙂
PS: One of the girls, B, totally had her boyfriend going. After she received her gift, she got in the car and had the following conversation:
B: Dude. I got something serious to talk to you about.
N: What?
B: I just found out – Mom just told me. I got Chlamydia.
N: (FREAKS THE HELL OUT) OMG WHAT?! How? B! You should have TOLD me! The doctors are all closed today! We have to get you in!
B: DUDE, mom just told me, I just found out, I told you right away!
N: OMG WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?! (Continues to Freak the Hell out)
B: (starts laughing – pulls out her recently received STD gift bag) I got it from Mom. See?
N: That is wrong on so many levels. So. Very. Wrong.
I love my kids, man. All of them.
It’s official…
You see, Santa called Auntie Ladybug, and told her that the kids were invited to breakfast on Monday morning. That included an invitation for The Pup. When the pup heard this – she was SO EXCITED! My faith was restored! We still had a believer! Or did we…
Auntie took all the kids to the breakfast, where there were banana pancakes and other goodies, and of course visits to the Big Man himself. The two littlest, Buglet and Ladybug, were beside themselves with JOY! and CHRISTMAS! and OMG SANTA! And too cute for words. Then it was the older kiddos turn…
The Pups turn.
Auntie had to CONVINCE her to go up there – not because she was scared, but because AUNTIE! Banana PANCAKES! and PLEASE I’m too OLD…
(That sound you just heard? mah heart breakin! BREAKIN!)
But she did go up and stand next to him. And chat a bit. Ok – it was the pup, she discovered he was a captive audience and wouldn’t shaddup. (I hear she gave him the entire history about who Santa is, where the whole thing originated, etc. Yeah, I know. only MY kid, right? Right.) Ha! She asked for a Christmas Full Of Love (…cheeeeeeeeese alert!) and someone to teach her guitar, because she’s had her Barbie one for two years and still doesn’t know and GOSH – course she wants to play the french horn for band, so… whatev. Anyway. She posed in a “GOSH DO I HAVE TOO” arms crossed moment, until Santa asked if she was ticklish – and almost ended up with her in his lap for his troubles. And also? A picture that’s cute beyond words. observe:
Pup with Santa
Sigh. Too old. My baby, my LAST BABY is officially too old. Hand me my cane, will ya? And also – GET OFFA MAH LAWN! Sigh.
It’s a good thing that at MY house – EVERYONE believes. Because if you don’t? There’s no gifts. I even believe. Even if I already know what I’m getting because I bought it myself. ha!
Following Santa!
We always follow Santa on Norad on Christmas Eve – THIS year, you can follow him on TWITTER too! Oh yeah. You KNOW I’m all over that. Saves the refresh button on my computer, hm?
If only…
If only I had the money, the time, and someone else to set it up for me – i’d still TOTALLY do this to my house…
The Perfect Neighbor would just LOVE me, then, hm? (cackles!)
Or maybe even something more traditional…
In other news – the pup got herself a participation ribbon, AND a FOURTH PLACE RIBBON for her swim meet. She got 4th place in the 50 Backstroke, and she was nothing short of GIDDY to come home and show me she got a ribbon for it! Well done, pup! Next meet is on January 10th – thankfully, closer to home in Sister City. Aiming for TWO ribbons this time! (And possibly adding the breaststroke – she’s been working HARD on it, and looks good!)
Happy “Shortest Day of the Year”! Of course, those celebrating clearly do NOT have children on Christmas break, already fighting and bickering and making mama wanna cancel Christmas. Which is in 4 days. And for which I am SO NOT READY YET… Last minute shopper? You betcha. What do YOU want for Christmas?
