Boys and soap.
I like to wander through my referral stats obsessively occasionally, just to see what brought folks here to read about my kids and the care and raising of teenagers in general. Sometimes it’s typical boring stuff, other times it’s random words put together to get a porn reference, and sometimes.. sometimes it makes me laugh out loud. Literally. We’re talking a spontaneous gaffaw, here folks!
Such is the case with this one. Here is the direct quote, the exact wordage that brought some poor soul to my ramblings: “how to properly wash a teenage boy’s mouth out with soap“
I’ll wait while you bring the laughter down to a chuckle. Ready? Alrighty!
Now, this query brought some poor schlub direct to my post on cussing and the fact that I still do it, much to my mom’s dismay. Having raised a teenage boy to the ripe age of 16, it is amazing that I haven’t yet tried to wash his mouth out with soap – so I fear I can’t give someone the proper way to do so. Besides, I’m really not worried about my son’s mouth enough to break out the soap.
His feet, though, are another story.
Oh. My. God. people. I swear – I’ve smelt some bad feet in my life, but nothing prepared me for the stench that wafts from my son’s toes, no matter how many times he washes, how many clean pairs of socks he goes through in any given day. It is RANK.
Don’t think I’m just picking on him, either, or that he’s the only one of the group of teenage boys who has this little.. um.. fragrant… problem. At least two other of the boys are the same, one so much so that he will NOT take off his shoes for any reason. When people warned me about the sweat sock smell of a teenage boys room, I scoffed. No way would that be MY son. After all, his daddy was OBSESSED with his feet (NOT THAT WAY ya pervs!) so much so that he refused to wear a pair of socks twice. He always said when he went to work that he ‘lost’ them, but I knew better. We spent a fortune on socks for that man. He also washed his shoes, he powered, he sniffed, he made sure that his feet were pristine and scentless. I should have had it made in the shade.
But oh no. My son is all boy, and all stinky boy at that. To open the door of his room takes steady nerves, and possibly a gas mask. I nag him to shower, I nag him to change and wash his clothes, I nag him to wash his damn feet every day because OH MY GOD you are a stinky dirty BOY! Nothing works. This girlfriend situation is my last hope.
That’s right – I’m counting on you, MK, to gently (or not) introduce my son to the concept of non-stinky feet, encouraging him to find a solution. If anyone can do it – YOU can – and I will love you forever!
So forget the washing of the boys MOUTH out with soap. Anyone have fool proof methods to deal with his FEET? I’ve a feeling MK and I will need all the help we can get.
Sigh.
I woke up to this.
And happy cheers from the youngest.
She’s a weird, weird child.
If you need me.
I’ll be over here hibernating.
With my beloved sandals.
And cold toes.
Sigh.
Teenage Daughter Owner's Manual.
[Thanks to Nana for finding this Sunday Funny for me – via this link.]
Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.
Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth(except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
BREAK-IN PERIOD
When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatised. This is the “Break-In Period,” during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviours that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviours, your teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION
To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words “clean” and “neat.” Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because “like I’m sure I’m going to use like the same kind of soap my mum and dad use.” When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing “clean” with “neat.” Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called “parents.”
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting.
She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and, “like I’m sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents.” Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and, “ohmigod he is so hot!” Yes, your daughter’s idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Retailers make millions of pounds a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the school door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE
Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance:
“High,” and “Ultra High.”
Your daughter is “Ultra High.” This means that whatever you do won’t be enough and whatever you try won’t work.
WARRANTY
This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven’s sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she’s actually still there–you just have to look for her.
[I’d be happy to link the original author – if I knew who it was! If it’s yours, fess up! *g*]
What you do, matters!
We hear it all the time from teenagers around the world. “Do we HAVE too?” It usually has to do something with trying to get out of spending time with the family, getting along with the siblings, sitting down at the dinner table to eat as a cohesive family unit. Sometimes we feel bad if we force the kids to do these family activities, but new studies suggest we certainly should not feel bad, and should continue to make the effort to have ‘family time’!
Reuters even goes so far as to suggest a connection between family dinner and sex.
…family dinners at THEIR house must be a much less boring affair, huh?
Just kidding, of course. The general premise of the study talked about in the article is that when we spend more time with our kids, either at the dinner table or in some other familial activities, we’re instilling in our kids a maturity and ability to make better decisions in all areas, including when to have sex. The study didn’t measure the risk factors of such sexual encounters, just the general number of time the teenagers indulged during the study.
Here’s what they found:
However, having a parent who used “negative and psychologically controlling” behavior increased the likelihood that a teen would be having risky sex. This includes “criticizing the ideas of the adolescents, controlling and directing what they think and how they feel,” Coley explained.
“Negative and psychologically controlling parenting behaviors may inhibit adolescents’ development of self-efficacy and identity, interfere with mature and responsible decision making skills, and affect the development of healthy relationships, in turn leading to an elevated likelihood of engaging in risky behaviors,” the researchers suggest.
On the other hand, they add, family activities are “centrally important supports for children, providing opportunities for emotional warmth, communication, and transmission of values and beliefs.”
The findings make it clear, Coley said, that “what parents do with their adolescents really matters.”
Me and the kids, we’ve never been ones to sit around a dinner table, though we all generally eat at the same time and in the same room. Close enough, I suppose, even if it’s noshing on greasy pizza while watching The Biggest Loser on TV. (…what? *g*) I’m a lot more involved with my kids throughout the day though, than a lot of parents have the ability to be. We talk a LOT throughout the day, and my kids call me often just to check in and say hi.. tell me where they are, who they’re with, and tease me that they’re having wild sex parties without inviting me.
Harumph.
I think the most important thing is that I talk TO my kids, not DOWN to my kids. It’s not so much the time and place and variety of feasting going on, so much as the time itself. I make sure my kids know they can tell me anything, I accept them for all their foibles and mishaps and mistakes and arguments just as easily as I do for the times they are shining examples of humanity that glow with innocent joy, health and wellbeing.
Yeah, there’s a lot more of the first rather then the second, but that’s exactly why it’s important to make those connections throughout the day. Whether it’s to check on what time The Boy has to work, and how his day at school went, or to nag The Girl to make sure she turns in her homework and laugh with her and her friends about stupid jokes, or to tease The Girl’s best friend, MK, about dating The Boy, or even stringing my youngest up by her toes and poking her with carrots until she agrees to behave – it’s all in those moments of connection. Every conversation, no matter how brief, means one thing:
I care.
And when the kids know we care what happens to them, what they’re doing, and what kind of person they are becoming, they’re less likely to engage in risky behavior before their ready.
So hug your kids today. Talk to them about school. Laugh at the stupid jokes, tease them about the girls, the boys, the dorky things they do. Check on their homework, but without the militant pressure, make time to see their concerts, plays, games. Make it a point to get to know who they’re dating, terrifying they’re girlfriends/boyfriends. Tease them. Laugh with them. Love them. It will make a difference, I promise you.
Teen LIVE Drive!
This is TOO cool! You know, our high school here in small town Alaska doesn’t have a driver’s ed program, though there is someone around here who does the job. For a fee, of course. I never could afford it, and my Daddy taught me to drive, as well as half the kids I grew up with, so I knew he could help me teach mine.
I still worry, of course – we all do – and now Teen LIVE Drive is here to help! What is it? It’s a website, with downloadable driving lessons. Sure, it’s not the same as getting behind the car, but it gives a driver’s eye view of things to look out for and things to keep in mind. It’s a GREAT asset to the parent struggling with control issues and letting their baby get behind the wheel, and every little bit of education helps. The price for downloading is reasonable, and even better for those of us in tiny towns – it handles issues like merging onto a highway, downtown traffic, cities in the rain, cross town driving – things we don’t have to deal with on a regular basis.
From hilly and windy roads, to distractions and the two-second rule, double yellow lines and two lane roads they cover it all. If you’ve a teenanger about to drive, or even driving already, I encourage you to take a look at Teen LIVE Drive, and show it to your teenager too. Every little bit of preventative learning helps, right?
PS. Thanks to Paul for showing me the site!
