I feel like i’m suffocating today. I’m irritable and want nothing more then to crawl into bed and hide and not come out for a year, but at the same time the last thing on earth I want to do is sleep again. The dream might come back, and I don’t think I could take that. It lingers in the build up of tears behind my eyes, and pressure in my head and pain in my chest. I can’t breath for the ache that it brings, its like a stone is sitting on my chest and I can’t move. It takes effort to reach the keyboard, to type, to move, to think.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I don’t normally remember what I dream at all – let alone clearly – so why did THIS one have to stick with me? He came back. Dead since august, suddenly he came back – even he couldn’t explain it, it just was. It was the same as ever, he was laughing and joking and so much The Asshole I always knew and loved. He surprised those here, he took me to work and surprised his boss, everyone welcomed him back with open arms….<\/p>\n
…except me. I kept saying “but your DEAD.” and he kept waving it off. And then i was thinking “But what about the Social Security? How will I pay bills?” and he waved that off too, saying he’d go back to work, just before disappearing to play chess with a buddy leaving me to fend for myself, alone, at his work place. So I found my cell phone (which apparently I’d lost, as well as one of my boots…) and kept trying to call TBF but he wasn’t answering and there was no signal, and I kept just trying to figure out why he was back and how, and what I was going to do now. Practicality suggested he couldn’t go back to work because, hello, dead guys don’t have id and such! but everyone was so happy to see him and talk to him and have him there – but all I would think about was “what the hell am I supposed to do NOW? I had just gotten everything figured out! WHY can’t he just STAY GONE?”<\/p>\n
And then I woke up – feeling guilty, and angry and in pain. Sigh. I know he’s not coming back. Why do\/did I feel so guilty in being the practical one in the dream in demanding answers? Part of me felt i should accept it, the other practical part of me demanded to know how I was going to fix this new bobble in my ‘taking care of me and the kids’ plans.<\/p>\n
I was angry too – that he’d come back and fucked everything up. Then I was angry at myself because I couldn’t be happy that he was back, that I couldn’t just accept this as a solution to everything…<\/p>\n
I know, it was just a dream, but it’s left me unsettled and off kilter today. I just want to crawl in a hole for a week\/month\/year or two. All i can do is force myself to move today. To finish some work, to finish hanging some pictures, to just… move.
\nAnd i just got OFF the rag – what is this, P(OST)MS? Ugh.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I feel like i’m suffocating today. I’m irritable and want nothing more then to crawl into bed and hide and not come out for a year, but at the same time the last thing on earth I want to do is sleep again. The dream might come back, and I don’t think I could take […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-383","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-emotional"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/gonfalon.org\/eclat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/383","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/gonfalon.org\/eclat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/gonfalon.org\/eclat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gonfalon.org\/eclat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gonfalon.org\/eclat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=383"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/gonfalon.org\/eclat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/383\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/gonfalon.org\/eclat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=383"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gonfalon.org\/eclat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=383"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gonfalon.org\/eclat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=383"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}