Land o'Lessa

I’m so stupid. Or well, men are stupid. Or both. I dunno.

Met a lovely man – not perfect, but fun to talk too, fun to get to know, and (mama, close your eyes) the sex wasn’t bad. Not meltingly fantastic, but not bad. He could probably learn. Anyway – he had a lot going for him.

And I ruined it. I ruined it because the guy I’m not dating got jealous, admitted his attachment to me, admitted he didn’t want to see anyone else. Then the next day – recanted, and told me to date if I wanted but just don’t tell him. And then we spent some fantastic nights together, and tonight? Tonight he “has company” that I shouldn’t ask about if I don’t want to know. Oh, and I’m getting too attached again.

I’m getting fucking whiplash is what I’m getting. I ruined something that might have been good, because he gave me hope. And now, when I tell him that? He gives me silence.

I sure can pick them, hm? I hope he’s happy.

Back to the drawing board.

No, no, no. Not MY future date, because you are an idiot. But here’s a little hint so that maybe you’re NOT such an idiot for the NEXT girl.

For the love of god, REMEMBER WHO YOU HAVE MESSAGED ALREADY. Do not message me, text me, then tell me via the original site that you are excited to have my number and will text me later. Especially considering we’ve been texting off and on all day. It’s not brain surgery, you don’t have to be a genius, but it’s common sense.

– Along those same lines – don’t mass message the same thing to every girl in your town, especially as you’ve already called and talked to me, and texted, and DISAPPEARED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH without word. I know I can be forgettable, but for crissakes, don’t be an ass – even if you are “a real ass man”, hm? [ETA: Just as I hit publish, this guy messaged me again. And I quote: "Wanna Fuck?" Yes. But not you. KABLOCK.]

And another thing – DO NOT simply message me your phone number and expect me to call/text. Here’s an idea – SAY HELLO. I’m not entirely old fashioned, but I am most certainly not going to do all the work for you.

I may not be the sharpest crayon in the box, but I will not fall for such bullshit. Grow a pair, grow up, and try again.

Elsewhere.

Sincerely,
me – Fine All Alone.

…it feels like nothing matters. Nothing that I do, nothing that I am, nothing that I could be. Sometimes, I feel lost, and weak, and pathetic, and stupid. Sometimes I am positive I am an idiot, and only have what I deserve, and if I don’t have it, it is because someone else deserves it more.

Sometimes, it’s just too much to be the strong one, the one who takes care of everyone and everything. Sometimes I want to curl up and cry until I can’t cry anymore.

Sometimes, I am simply too tired to function any longer.

…sometimes, I wonder why it is there is no one to take care of me.

So instead of indulging in sometimes, I’m going to eat my dinner, I’m going to take a shower, I’m going to finish crying there, and then wipe my eyes, and go see a stupid movie with a friend, and laugh even while my heart feels like it’s breaking for no reason at all, and smile, even though somewhere inside it still hurts.

And someday, there will be someone who will care enough to be there when I need them

…sometimes.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I know there are people who take care of me too – don’t take this as a slight in any way. Sometimes it’s hard to keep sight of that, and be strong enough for everyone else too. Yes, I know you want to tell me I don’t have to be – but we all know that is exactly what I am, and always will be.

I’m simply having a day.

I keep forgetting this exists. Shame on me. I know you’ve all been eagerly awaiting my next adventures in Dating Land, and wait with bated breath for work tales of woe and such.

(Yeah, I know. I’m talking to myself. It’s all good. heh.)

Truth is? I’m too fuckin tired all the time. I work my ass off – though not literally cuz that would be cool, right? – then I also go out on occasion, with a movie buddy and out dancing (where I normally sit alone and people watch. hee), and then there’s the Pup’s swimming, and concerts etc, etc, etc…

Aka. Life. I know. Fascinating.

So, to recap:
I’m alive.
I’ve dated a couple of times.
I’ve a movie buddy who is just a friend.
I’ve a FWB who keeps me on a even keel. Hee.
I have work – which is hell, as always.
I have friends, which is awesome.
I have the kids, who are awesome too.

– The boy’s moved out for real now, and lives a couple blocks away with his best friends.
– The girl is crawling toward graduation, and hopefully will make it there. Otherwise I’ll have to kill her, which is not good at all. Hee.
– The Pup is swimming, and doing fantastically at it. We’re hoping for her first Junior Olympic time this year.

So all in all – despite the lack of an actual boyfriend – life is good.

Really.
Really?!

Let me make this clear. I do not care about your dick. I don’t want to you message me every time you are horny. I don’t care if you are watching porn. I don’t want to know that you woke up hard. I don’t really care. At all. So no, I won’t call and let you talk dirty to me. And the fact that once I said no you quit talking completely just means you are nothing but a prick.

So go fuck yourself.

Ok? Ok.