So…. a needle pulling thread….

So. Heh. Ever get the feeling you -want- to write, and you probably -should- write, but you have absolutely shit to say? *L* Yeah, about where I am at the moment.

Gave mom a new do, as well as the sis too. the sis took her time noticing – something about a real life or some shit like that *scoffs* – while mom caught me in the act. *L* I was -almost- done, in fact finished it up while she and I chatted, but still… caught me purple handed she did!

Down to the final class in school. There’s only three of us in the class, graduating on the 25th of Sept. Having small classes is both good and bad – bad when it comes to participation points, because really, how many times can you reply to the same person? – good when it comes to quality one on one feedback, as well as free time to work on your own projects instead of spending all your time replying to others. Feels somewhat… odd… still to be in this place. Not quite sure I’m ready for all this, to be honest. heh.

Asshole goes back to work today – thank goodness. As usual, I’m more then ready for him to head back that way. It’s just been a stressful couple of weeks and I’m not feeling well, and I’m fighting to keep things together again. It’s not a “ugh man i’m SICK” kinda thing, but more a lingering upset tummy, impending pms, that kinda thing. just the ukkies as the girl used to say. Haven’t been playing a lot either lately, and I’m sure that has a lot to do with it too. No creative outlet makes Lessa a bored and blah’d person – thus the new do’s up there *points, chuckles* Course, in that same vein, i don’t really – feel – like playing either. Just kinda blah. Not only that but i’m not chatting up all the ‘friends’ there right now either. just… sinking into my own little coccoon for a while I guess. Can only emmerge from such introspection better, right?

Still really REALLY glad the kids head to school on tuesday. Even though it faces me with a plethora of school fees and supplies to buy (thankfully between the free bags me and the sis got, that list of ‘must haves’ was dramatically reduced. The thing that’ll kill me? pe shoes. ugh. expensive. even on sale it’s like… ugh. but being a nice fall, they’ll be outside for pe for a couple more weeks. Can get away with only getting the pups for now.)

I swear to god – if the dog does not quite burying shit in my room i’m gonna throttle her! I find the ODDEST things in my laundry piles! ugh. some nasty shit too. Need to get a new top for the garbage can. again. eww.

heh. the pup looks so innocent when she’s sleeping. Does not reconcile with the fact she was driving me completely mad earlier. I finally just left – my last chance to do so before the Asshole goes to work – and went to buy the last of the shit the asshole “has to have” before he goes back to work. Ugh. that boy goes through more shit and has the most annoying habits.

awwwwwwww a McDonalds commercial i actually LIKED… omg… pregnant ladies close to birth “i’m expectant.” all the way to “i’m ready. I’m heroic” and ends with “here’s to the original olympic efforts.” mushy as hell, but awwwwwwwwwwwww.. *melts* helps I think pregnant women are the sexiest most amazing beings of all time… but what a sweet commercial! Much better then that stupid high diving ronald. heh.

ok – this is all a very completely disjointed and rambling kind of thing isn’t it? *L* Guess I’ll close, and like. uh. go pack the asshole’s bag or something. heh. but before I do, I leave you with the answers to Lucy’s questions:

What is the biggest lie you ever told?
“I’m fine.”

Your deepest fear about growing old?
I don’t think I can really say – I’ve got this weird thing where I just can’t see any farther then the now. Even the fact that I graduate next month seems a hazy unreality. being not really quite true. I don’t know – most of the time I feel like – i’m- not quite here, so I’m not sure I can really say what it is. Maybe simply finding out that I really don’t exist solidly after all. heh.

The loneliest night you ever spent?
The first night I spent alone in my own apartment. Going from always having someone – there- to being on my own? urg. scary. But exhilerating. I’d love to feel it again. *L*

The angriest letter you never sent?
Oh god. I’ve written so many. The angriest probably to an ex. Though some even through here were pretty wickedly angry. And posting them – does that count as “sent” if the person they were to “accidently” found them? heh. Nosy buggers.

Your darkest hour?
The night I lost the baby, the week later when I almost died as a result, the days following…

Your hardest fight?
coming back from the above. I’d like to think ‘no one knew’ how badly off I was, but I’m sure if they looked back they could see it. it lingers in some ways, sometimes too. In retrospect I probably should have sought counciling at the time, but I had the best best friend in the world to carry me through – and it’s been a two way street with him as well. We’re pulling apart now, piece by piece, and that’s difficult too, but it helps define our friendship on a stronger, deeper level as well. That we are still this close even after the shit we’ve been through? He was what I needed.

The saddest song you’ve ever heard?
Right after my uncle died, they came out with “holes in the floor of heaven” – my Uncle and I shared a love of country music, and that one just killed me. The first time I heard it after he died I was driving and had to pull off the road and cry. He didn’t make it to see my son born, which I know he wanted to do… the boy was born a month later, to the day. I know he was watching, and some days I swear they had some conversations before the boy was born. *chuckles*

The most you’ve said with just one word?
“No.”

The loneliest prayer you ever prayed?
“why?!?”

What is the truest vow you ever made?
I will love my kids no matter what they do. I will be there for them no matter how they push me away. I will raise them to the best of my ability, and make sure to tell them, every single day, that I love them.