Ugh.

They are trying to kill me with papercuts! So. Much. Paperwork and burocratic bullshit! It’s insane. Mom’s been a doll and shuttled me from gov’t office to gov’t office to the store to the funeral home and listened and touched and stood strong while I answered question after question and made appointment after apointment and both of us fielded call after call after call after call.

oy.

The state aid program refused aid for the funeral costs. Apparently I’m supposed to have saved every penny of his earnings this month and instead of paying bills, used my precognative abilities and kept them for the funeral. That or sell my car, or his bus and bug, or my sons boat. Because well all know that would make things so much easier on the kids.

not.

Although I did mortify the social worker with a couple of my jokes. Hey – they were lame, but I’ll take the small moments of laughter over the constant fear of complete and total meltdown in public, you know? Hell, or private. I’ve three kids to be strong for. I’ve scheduled my breakdown for the 13th. It shall be monumental. I’m sure ya’ll’ll feel something. It’ll be huge. HUGE. hee.

Oh – the joke?
Worker who eventually denied me, quite possibly for this: “You dont have to fill this part of the paperwork out if all the children are his.”
Me: “Well, as far as i know they are… there was that one party back in the early 90s..”
Mom: *eyes widen* “LESSA!” *gigglegigglesnort*

Heh.

The Social Security people were very nice, after I was on hold for 45 minutes, of course. Good god, the numbers pressed, and time spent and all to get phone interview set up. That I’ve since had to change, because of the Viewing. But they’ve been nice. Now if only they’ll be fast too and get us some cash.

Fortunately, we’ve found out he did have some life insurance through his company. No idea when that’ll come through, but that will help offset the funeral costs. which, for a viewing and cremation is in excess of 2k. 2k! We’re not even having the service there (that’d add another 600) but at the Elks club where Kevin was a member. Finally confirmed last night.

So, viewing tomorrow, which means picking out an outfit today. You know, I’ve think I figured it out. He had this shirt he SWORE he’d take to the grave with him, and I always SWORE i was gonna burn the damn thing. Heh. Looks like we both win. I draw the line at having him wear it though. But it’s certainly going with him.

The kids are doing allright, or as well as they can be expected too anyway. The girls went back to school yesterday. The boy was feeling sickly, so stayed home, but he’s going back today. The pup is our comic relief, and while I think it just hasn’t quite sunk in for her yet sometimes, there are other times that I know it has. But the ‘not coming back ever‘ part isn’t quite understood. The girl internalizes a bit more. She’s more like me in that respect. She is holding up will, showing that strong woman side that she got from me as well, but not all the time. The boy is by far taking it the hardest, or showing it more openly then all of us. He’s been a fuckin trooper, man, taking care of me, and is really quite pissed I’m making him go back to school today. He’s been staying up as late as I have (until last night) just to make sure I get some rest, he’s been prowling around and looking at things and just generally touching all things that were daddys.

The worst part of all of this is seeing how quickly it’s forcing him to grow up. My goal is to make sure he still gets to be a kid. All of them. They lost their daddy, they do *not* need to lose their childhood too.

I’ve finished the memorial cards. NOt my best designing job ever, but he’d have wanted them simple, and my creativity is…. well, yeah. Under wraps I guess. But it’s done, and I can get it to the guy who’s gonna print/donate them. The invitations for the Wake/KegParty are done and printed, complete with map.

Yes. I’m throwing him one last keg party. Feel free to join in and lift a beer for him on the 9th. He’d like that.

So:
Viewing tomorrow, Thursday, 1-3.
Memorial Service, Saturday, 1pm.
Keg Party Wake, Friday the 9th, 6pm.

Lessa’s breakdown, Tuesday the 13th, all fuckin’ day long.

—
PS.
Thanks so much for all your comments and support, they truly mean a lot to me and my family.

PPS.
Second coke snorting laughter joke of the day?
“Oh! my! God! more food! Well there goes my plans for the ‘Lose 200 pounds on the Grief Diet Plan!'”

[All kidding asside, it is SO wonderful not to have to think of dinner on top of everything else. Everyone’s been so nice, and I appreciate every little kindness, and the grocery runs and the TP. Mimi brought us paper products I never would have thought of – thank you guys SO MUCH for keeping my mind off the little things. I really really appreciate it all.

Especially the brownies.
I mean kindnesses.
I mean the hugs… wrapped in brownies.
Chocolate is like a wee little hug, you know…
And oh! my! god! did I mention the brownies?]