Someday
I’m angry.
Along the edges, I know why, and I suppose it’s understandable, but being who I am I just keep on going, but really, honestly, deep down? I’m furious.
Some people have gotten little tastes of it about stupid inconsequential things, and some of them have even decided to quit speaking to me. Can’t blame them, because it’s stupid – yet something I can vent on about without resorting to making everyone else feel like shit. Sure, it may be exhausting? But remember that the next time you expect me to listen to you.
Because more then being angry, I’m tired.
I’m tired of counting the days, and coming up with enough that they almost make a year. 353 days. Friday – day 356 marks the last time I saw him alive. Minutes, hours, days, months – almost a year. Time has become an emotional enemy.
I’m tired of looking at other people and their complaints and thinking – wtf? And I’m tired of the attempts of my brain to validate my experiences and make everything ok – ok that I still feel this way, or ok that others think I should be simply over it by now.
I’m tired of waiting for a blowup that really hasn’t ever happened. I’m tired of putting one foot in front of the other and topping it off off with a smile of the ‘No really, I’m ok.’ variety.
I’m tired of pretending that I don’t want to crawl into a hole and forget everything, when a lot of times, I really do. I’m tired of staring at blinking cursors of doom and empty photoshop documents and not seeing anything come forth from somewhere inside me like they used too.
I’m tired of the people that don’t understand that sometimes? I just need to be angry. It’ll pass. I’m tired of those who look at me with pity, but never understanding. I’m tired of feeling like the poster girl for grief and how it should be handled. I’m tired of the grief, too, and I hate the guilty feelings that overcome everything else when I think that way.
It takes time – I know. Someday I’ll wake up on a monday and manage not to think for half a second that he’s going to come home today only to look at the empty bed and realize that no, that’s not going to happen. Someday I’ll not jump everytime the phone rings at a certain time thinking it’s the first of many nightly phone calls – only to realize less then half a second later that’s not to be.
Someday, I may manage to pack away his things.
Someday, I may no longer hate his doctor with a fire that presses against my skin from the inside, causing an itch I want to dig at again and agian and again until I get some sort of relief within the bloodshed.
Someday, I may no longer look at my kids, and mix the gratitude for having them with the bone crushing ache that I’m the only parent they have left.
I found myself flipping channels today, and screaming at the stupid couple on tv who fought over why she gained so much weight. All I wanted to do is reach through the screen and shake them and scream “DON’T FUCK THIS UP YOU STUPID IDIOTS!” They still have time.
I’d give anything for a piece of our time back agian.
Someday, I’ll be ok.
Today is not that day.
Though dispite how it sounds – I’m kinda ok with that too. Just… venting.
(Aka – no need to call professional help. Or Nana Moosie. Heh.)
11 Comments
wha? did I hear my name?
love ya
>..
Hey moosie – I added smilies just for you..
all so I could add this one. if ya put ‘moose’ between two :
or click the smily up there, ya got a special “moosie” char. *L*
see?
:moose:
Ha! there. You’re very own. *g*
awwwww – sweeeeet!!!
thank ya
:moose:
heh!
You have every right to feel ;( and you know that and I know that and everyone that loves you knows that. And you can feel ;( and 😡 as long as you want! You can 😡 . You can be 🙁 one minute and 😀 the next. Seeing your writing helps me know where you are. I hate that whole time heals all crap – bullshit. It changes, everything changes, emotions, situtations. I hope you know that you can be as 😡 as you want with me. 😡 all you want. 😀 all you want. You know I don’t say this with pity. I say it because I care about you and your family. Because you are a wonderful person who I just want to know that I’m thinking about her. No expectations – remember that. None! Hell I wanted to kick the tv last time I saw this little brat being a bitch to her grandmother. All I could think is, “What the hell are you doing? Why are you hurting someone that loves you? You have time USE IT to be good!”. I know it’s a grain of sand compared to your situtation but in some small way I do understand. So here’s an attempt to make you laugh:
If you want to ;( call
If you want to 😡 call
If you are feeling a bit 😯 call
And when you are (6) ….well….call…but only after 6pm and only if ….*grin*
ps. And remember this….never forget this…..you are still and forever will be 8) no matter how many kids in highschool you have…..*evil grin*
Why Sarah – I never knew you were such a smiley addict. *L*
I cannot say at all that I understand For I still have my husband. I do miss my son… it changes.. But the 14th… It is and forever will be the day that I don’t sleep, the day that I wonder what…. The day that I remember….. remember and wonder what my son would be like now. what his hair would look like… would he and theother kids get along…. would he be the peace maker or the instigator… would there ever be any oreos for teh rest of us. would he be an Dr. or a bum… you know the ?’s that are there under you skin. I wish I could hug you. I wishI would have read this last night. I wish…. you wouldn’t be so strong and let some of us in. I wish….. you would let us be there for you. But you are who you are….. and that is the strong woman that crys inside were no one can see. i respect that…..I know that you have your own way to take care of things. I too wish that people wouldn’t look at us with pity when I tell them about hubby or My son…. but that is what they do… sad hun? I love you and your children. call me and screem… I will screem back if I don’t want to hear.(Bad Chemo day or what not) But generally I will let you go at it. I love you sis. now and forever. no matter if you are the better daughter…. as we both know you are…. thank you for being the better one. Mom and dad needed you to be the better one… I would have driven them nuts if I was. Much love…… Anything, I mean it. MUAH!
;( *sniff* Can someone please hand me some kleenex. I am so sorry for your loss.
I saw the row of options and I got inspired….what can I say.
*hands Jessica a box of kleenex*
Wow, I’ve been thinking about you on and off for a few weeks now, kicking myself once again for losing track of you. I see now it’s been WAY too long.
Reading reading reading …
Lessa, feel exactly what you can feel. Worry not about that which is just out of your reach. Understand what you can, and let go of what you can’t. Be angry when you need to be. Those who care about you will still care, even while you are hating all of humanity for its massive stupidity and thudding ignorance.
And from what I have seen, there is a LOT of that going on these days. :dizzy:
=]