Random Convo – teenager style.

One way to describe life with teenagers in a single word is “random”. It encompasses everything, from the number of teenagers crashed out at my place on any given night, to the thoughts of said teenagers, to the snack of the day, or – mostly this – the conversations shared. Every day it’s another bit that makes me laugh, and shake my head. When I thought of having kids back when I was young and stupid – I did my best parenting BEFORE I had kids, after all – I thought every conversation would be meaningful, and intense, and filled with Full House-esque wisdom and adoration for a parent doing a good job.

Yeah. Right.

What we get instead is random bits of stuff that make me laugh, or make me just STARE at them, or make me scream. And it’s never the same way twice – it’s ALWAYS an adventure. The fun comes in learning that the laughter shared is just as meaningful as those lessons Uncle Jesse taught us while the inspirational music played in the background. (Mmmm John Stamos. yum. I got some lessons… Wait, where was I? Oh… ahem.) We don’t have the inspirational music, but the laughter connects us just the same.

B has asked when I’m going to write about her again – so I figured, since she’s on such a “Makin Mama Laugh” roll, it’s her turn. For those that don’t remember, B is the girl who lived with me for a time just before she turned 18. Then she moved out, got her own place, discovered life is hard, had me rescue her cat (that still lives with me) and still couch surfs at my house most of the week. She will be pleased to be the star of most of the following conversation snippits, many of which fall into the category of “Things you never thought your teenager would say to you. Out loud, anyway.”

Let’s tackle Halloween first. I didn’t post pictures of the girls, because they were practically NSFW. Had I posted the picture of B and C, I would have added the caption “For the record, I said no. But they’re 18, and not REALLY mine..” We had a naughty nurse, C, who was mostly covered up as she added leggings to the look, and we had B – our Devil Hooker. She looked – well. Hot, but definitely on the slutty side of hot, and she was amused by this. What she wasn’t amused by were some of the reactions.

B: So mom, I was at McDonalds, right? And this guy was all staring at me.
Me: Shocker there, kid. Tuck that boob back in, will ya?
B: Ok, there, and anyway, so he has a kid with him, and suddenly? This kid comes up to me with a dollar and no lie mom, he was like 9 years old, and he says ‘Can i have some p***y, now?” and I was like WTF man, he was NINE.
Me: Well, you were dressed like a whore…
B: MOM! I know, but the kid was NINE! And his dad was just standing there! And I was like WTF?
Me: Again, you were dressed like…
B: I know, but NINE!
Me: So what did you say?
B: Nothing. And I kept his dollar. I put it in my bra.
Me: HAHAHAHAH! Well, look at it this way. That dad is in a world of shit when he gets home and his son proudly tells Mama that he asked a hooker for some p***y for a dollar like daddy said and btw mom, what does that mean?
B: True. That does make it more amusing. But 9. Wow. Just. Wow.
Me: So no more dressing like a hooker.
B: amen.

Yes, these are the conversations I have with kids. *L* And more besides. That same night, ST gave me a line I never thought I’d hear “my” kids utter. He, conveniently, was in a Big Daddy costume. In my day, we called those Pimp Costumes, but whatever. So I have a picture of him standing with B together before they went to their party.

As he was leaving? I got “Keep your pimp hand strong, mom!”

Blink. Alrighty then.

Not all the conversations revolve around choice of clothing, and/or job related stresses (even pretend jobs on Halloween. Ha!). Some of them are even more random – and once more, B is the star.

B: So, mom! Guitar hero? Rocks. I am a star.
Me: Mmmmkay.
B: I was at N’s playing, right? and he was all play with me! then he put it on expert! And man. I suck. After ever round he was like 300k points ahead of me. I can clearly no longer play Guitar Hero, Ever again.
Me: So I shouldn’t start saving for a trip to see your Hollywood Star on the walk of fame then?
B: No. I totally sucked. I told him I could never play GH again, ever.
Me: What he say?
B: He said ok. So see ya later mom, I’ll be back!
Me: Where ya headed?
B: …to N’s to play Guitar Hero, of course! Weren’t you listening? He was all you wanna play? and I was all absolutely. Yes.
Me: ….
B: …inorite?

When I asked her if she wasn’t just over there – and she admitted she was, I had to know why she’d taken time out to come back ‘home’ just for an hour.

B (from the kitchen): Oh, that’s because they were eating dinner. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable eating at other people’s houses.
Me: … So, he brought you back here to…
B: To eat, of course!
Me: Of course. Should have known. There’s a new bottle of Tabasco in the cupboard for ya.

Clearly I’m different. I’m mom. It’s ok to eat here. (chuckles)

Then last night, the boy – fresh from his work review where he netted a 35cent raise, and promise of a promotion in his future (for the record – the highest raise they’ll give at one time is 40 cents. he’s pretty proud – as am I!) – he came in and declared that he’d beaten my old store record for closing, set back in 1988. Yes. I’m old. I know.

The boy: MOM! What was your record?!
Me: 18 minutes.
The Boy: HA! BEAT IT! 15 minutes!
Me: Don’t EVEN talk to me about beating my record until you are tearing down that ice cream machine EVERY NIGHT like we had too.
The Boy: … technicalities. That was the OLD SCHOOL way. Like walking to school uphill both ways in the days of the dinosaurs like you did! So there!
Me: I’m gonna beat ya with my cane, you ornry kid you! And also? Get offa mah lawn!
Boy: (Runs. Sometimes he’s wise.)

Life with teenagers = Randomosity at it’s best. If I had known it could be so much fun, I’d have had a whole bunch more kids… or not. Since they all bring their friends home with them, anyway!

—-
In other news – I’d like to put together a gift giving guide for the holidays. The kids are all helping me by doing some “window shopping” and looking for some things they’d like. (which also helps me pick things out for them later – SCORE!) So what are YOUR teenagers asking for this year? What makes their hearts go pitter pat? Let me know, and We’ll add it to the list. Teenagers can be hard to shop for as the gifts themselves get smaller, but more expensive. So let’s work together to find some cool stuff for them!