3 weeks

It’s hard to believe that it’s been three weeks since they arrived on my doorstep to tell me of my husbands death. So much has happened, yet it still feels like I’m standing still, like there’s nothing quite right but nothings changed either. It’s a cunnundrum, and I still feel displaced, and uneasy.

It’s made worse by the fact that there are still questions, that the toxology report still hasn’t come to me. I have my gut feeling of what happened, but I don’t know that the toxology and coronors reports will substantiate that at all. It still feels very much like a mistake, like he’s simply forgotten to call, though I know that’s not it at all, and when i remember it sucks my breath away and I forget how to breathe and how to function. But just for a moment, because I have my beautiful babies to take care of and be strong for.

They’ve been doing better then expected, really, and I think it’s still that whole ‘he’s just at work’ feeling that lingers, even as we start to put things away, and clean up, and just remember how to function again.

And no – I haven’t had my breakdown yet either. *chuckles* I was busy the day i had declared as mine, and instead took my buglet out for lunch and a general run around town. I know it’s coming, I feel it around the edges, and I’m sure it’ll hit me at the most inopportune time. I was in the store last night, getting mayo, which happens to be right next to the ketchup which is right next to the hotsauce. And I had to catch my breath as I automatically reached for the Habinero, because he loved that shit, and put it on EVERYTHING. It’s really a wonder he had any taste buds left at all, for all the hot stuff he put on top of everything. It was with a pang that tore at me that I left the bottle where it was, and made my way to a different aisle before it sunk in too much. There’s a thousand little things that I think of, that I remember, that hit me like that, like a punch in the gut or a knife to the heart, and I just take a deep breath, and keep moving. There’s little else that I can do really, for I’m far too stubborn to do anything else.

Financially we’re doing ok for now. The Social Security should kick in any day now, and Kevin’s company has been absolutely amazing in taking care of us. Because of the generosity of those he worked with, all my bills for the month are caught up and paid, leaving only some back bills that can simply wait another month until the dividends come in and things are all settled up with SS. Because of them, after the funeral costs are taken from the insurance money, I believe I’ll be able to put everything else away into an interest bearing account (or something. My dad handles that kinda shit, I’ma trust him on it) and start a nice savings for if and when we need it, and hopefully use it as seed money for when/if the kids decide on further schooling and the like down the line.

I’ve a thousand thank you cards to write -to people who I don’t even know, but appreciate in ways that I’m not sure they’ll ever understand. In giving me those first two/three weeks to simply be with my kids, and be there for my kids, they gave me a gift I can’t ever hope to repay. We’re stronger for it, and better for it, and Though it still aches and threatens to overwhelm and I know it will for a very long time, I can say that we’ll be ok.

Eventually.