meanderings

…of the mental type. As in I have no idea what I’m going to write, or want to write or any of the above. Heh.

I have decided that I need to take Sacha in Monday morning and have her put down. She’s starting to get sicker – the meds are not keeping the cancer at bay any longer, and she’s starting to look very sickly again. Also, the longer I wait the harder it’s getting to be on the kids – and on me. It feels like we’re losing another piece of Kevin, and it makes it all the more difficult to make the decision. But it’s been made, and I’m going to stick with it. Part of it is not wanting to make the promised drive to the campsite where we spread Kevin’s ashes and do the same for Sacha – I promised the kids, but god, I don’t want to go there. Its so hard to watch them be strong, feel strong, and know that inside there’s the empty part that’s screaming about how unfair it all is. I know it, because i do and feel the same way. I have never been the type to dwell on someone’s death though – but to remember their life instead. It was something that Kevin and I agreed on completely and how we always dealt with things and how I’ve tried to teach the kids to do. There are other’s that keep pulling the date, the time, the way of his death and our loss all to the forefront all the time,  and that’s just not how I deal. I know it’s got to be confusing for them, but often I’m at a loss as to which way to guide them, because i want them to discover how very strong they are on their own and find their own ways to deal – knowing that I accept and cherish them all no matter how they do so.

Did that even make any sense? heh. I’m there for them, and make sure they know that, but I am letting them work through their grief on their own terms, when their ready. It often seems I’m putting my own on a backburner because of it, but it’s alright, because I am such a loner when it comes to dealing with things anyway, and they’re my number one priority. Bah. circles. I’m talking in circles.

The kids alternate between making me laugh and driving me insane. There’s still a lot of “that’s mine. That was daddy’s and that’s mine now.” going on at times, and I get so frustrated because dammit – it’s all MINE. Heh.  That sounded worse then I meant it too, but there is some level of that. I forget that they’re kids sometimes, and I want to scream and remind them that he was my husband and dammit maybe I’d like something of his to hang on to as well. And then I remember that I have the very BEST of him to hang on too with all my might – the kids themselves. Then I feel like a total loser for even thinking so selfishly. And then we’re right back in the emotional circle that i’ve been rotating through my head for the past 10 months, no matter how many times I’ve tried to derail the line of thinking.

I know it’s all part of the process, but damn. Sometimes I wish the process was just… faster. That something’d make the hole in my heart heal up, that it would just… be ok again. And I feel like I’ve started the process all the fuck over again. Bah humbug.

The girl is on the Allstar team, and I am leaning towards just taking all the kids and spending the whole week up there for the entire tourneyment – just packing up the car and going. If Kevin were here, he’d do that with the bus, but well, I’m too short n fat to drive it and it’d cost a fortune in just gas to take it anyway, so it’ll have to be the jeep. I dunno where the team will be staying yet, and if their accomidations include parents and siblings, but if not, I’ll figure out something. Hopefully we’ll have that kinda information a week or so before we leave. *L* If nothing else, i’ll bring the tent and we’ll set up camp somewhere nearby.

That, people, tells you RIGHT THERE how much I need to get away for a while. I’m willing to go CAMPING. Though – I think I might ask Mom if I can borrow her laptop (she’ll be outa town anyway!) Think I can get wi-fi somewhere out there? *LOL*