Confusion

this entry is a long time in coming. So much has happened, so many misunderstandings and attempts at communication, so many things I’ve tried to say just so they are understood – not even wanting them to be agreed with, just.. acknowledged in some small part. Why? I don’t know.

Maybe I just want to know that my feelings were at least considered, that there was some part that knew I would be hurt, knew why and actually cared that it was going to happen that way – even if there was no stopping what would happen?

In truth – I’m not even what happened, how it happened, or why it happened. All I know is my reactions – no matter what they were, were wrong. Every single one of them. I try to change and I’m viewed with suspicion and anger, I attempt to be honest about how I feel, how it made me feel, and I’m treated as lowlife scum who deserved what I got…

I don’t know.

Even when I give up, say fuck them all and attempt to simply make his life better, no matter how I felt, or feel, or will feel, and I try so very hard to do this, I’m yelled at, and told that it’s wrong. Now that everything I’ve done, is wrong, and I’ve tried everything, there’s nothing left but this lingering pain. This agony that what was lost? will never be regained.

How hard is it to say “yeah -you had every right to be hurt. yeah, i understand why you were hurt and though I don’t see it that way, I know and understand that you felt that way.” How hard is it to validate my feelings? Even if there’s no understanding of where it came from or how much I felt and how confused I got…. just say its ok for me to feel that way.

Apparently, way to hard. There’s something he wanted and in giving it too him I was wrong. In trying to grow past where I was hurt and make it ok I was wrong. To be hurt at all was wrong. there’s nothing left – and I dont’ know which way to turn. What I wanted ceased to be an issue so long ago… because what I wanted? never mattered. none of it did.

Now – I’m being accused of things that are actually surprising me. How dare I play to play and play a character to character. It’s all second guessed.. everything apparently has this hidden agenda that I was unaware of. I’m having to censor everything I say again, and to the person I know I should get to be honest with.

It’s not that there were so many acts that were never played out. Its not that they were even though of or close or any of that. It’s that there was never any discussion. I wasn’t important enough in your little world for you to come to me and say hey – this is what’s going on, but don’t worry, its not played out. Its that I never entered into the equasion at all, that I was so easily thrust aside and forgotten and ignored over and over agian… Those hurt because when I thought there may even be a hookup of any kind – that was not played out, it was brought to you and I handed you the ‘shut off’ key… the ability to pull the plug.

There was no control for me. There was none… there was nothing that gave me any respect in any of the things that happened. that is what hurt. That is what needs to be acknowledge… that you had SOME part in this and it wasn’t my just freaking out over nothing. You keep coming back to this, and that, and got to watch him all but fuck you kinda thing.. but each and every time I brought it to you, you were involved, you were in control.

There was no control for me. None. There was you doing wahtever you wanted whenever you wanted and when you wanted to break out you did so…. without consulting me. There’s no respect there.. there’s nothing there that says I mean anything close to you as you do to me…. and that’s where the hurt comes in, that’s where I got jealous and I got petty and i tried to hurt you…

Everything I say now is suspect because of that – and even if I say I’m doing better you won’t believe me, even if I say I’m doing oj you won’t believe me, and even what is done in character is being picked through and dissected and torn apart until there’s simply… nothing left. I don’t know what to do anymore.

You wondered if there would be one player who was all yours? You had that. you threw me away. Now? I play the chars to char and if that happens to step on your carefully contrived little world I’m sorry (you never cared if you tramped on mine, after all) – but You lost the right to tell me how to act and what to do and whom I could be with and whom I could talk to or fuck or play with… you lost that right when you shut me out and threw me away.

You made the comment that released from the deal i’m some sort of slut now – damn look at her go… but the truth of the matter is – it came up a lot more before then I ever let you realize. i just always said no. So now – should things happen in play, I let them happen, no half hearted excuse made to run the character the other way, no stopping play completely with a char because it seems to end up close to that.

You also said that everything said IC was obviously a dig at you – where the FUCK do you get off man? i play the char to char.. if that’s what he’ll say or do taht’s what he’ll say or do… there’s nothing that says “haHA this will fuck him in the head..” At one point I said yeah, I’d posted those scenes in hopes of making you jealous, making you realized what you threw away..” and your come back? “I can have that anytime I want.” Now who’s being the jerk? who’s saying things to dig and me and make me feel all the more rejected? its NOT me. You’ve been a total ass and there’s nothing that I can do about it as you’ve said time and time again….

Then in the same breath you tell me I’m making digs at you, you tell me I’m playing the character ‘beautifully’ – so how bout making up your goddamn mind…?

And lets not even go into how much ooc shit you’ve taken personally…. you constantly tell me the world doesn’t revolve around me.. I got news for you – it doesn’t revolve around YOU either. Not everything I say anymore is filtered through the “he should take this this way” part of my head anymore. Because it can’t be. You don’t want it to be, and through this all its always been about what YOU want… never what I want, how I feel, what I need.

So through this ALL… all I want is one thing… a word from you taht says yeah.. I had the right to feel the way I did and do, and that you had a part in making me feel that way. Acknowledge where I came from, Acknowledge that somewhere in there, you fucked up too… that this could have been done so much easier.

or just keep being an ass and hating me and everything about me and all that I do. heaven knows I probably deserve it in some way shape or form. nothing I do makes it better anyway.. guess I should just quit trying. You gave up on me a long time ago… would have been nice if you’d just said that, instead of leading me to believe there’s still soemthing there, there’s still some part of you that wants me around.

But again – we’ve discovered that i? never get what I want, haven’t we. I should probably say goodbye – but we know that’s not in me. This is the only friendshipt I’ve ever fought so hard for.. the only I’ve ever wanted to fight for…

I just hope its worth it.