Things that make ya go hmmmmm.

Aka – another post that’s all about randomosity!

— We have had our first (and second) casualty from the Tree. Sneaky little shits waited until I went to bed yesterday morning, then batted happily away until they broke one of my cheapo decorations. No great loss – but must step up the Kitten Training. Heh. Place your bets now…

— I find myself humming this morning. And randomly singing “It’s beginning to look a lot like CHRIStmas…” I’m finding it vaguely annoying. I blame lack of sleep – 2 hours or so – where the alarm rudely snapped me out of a lovely vague dream of some man dressed only in a red bow. Dammit.

— Why was I up so late? Whew. Seaaaarching and shoooooopping and comparing and beating my head against a wall, etc. You know, when the kids get bigger, the toys get smaller. You’d think this’d be good, but oh no! For some reason these smaller gifts are DIPPED IN SOLID GOLD. That’s the only reason to explain the prices!

However, through determination (sheer stubbornness, to be honest!) I managed to score something I think the boy and I can both live with (NO, it is NOT a cell phone. Nor is it the coveted Ipod.)

And also, Ebay is my friend. I can find *It* on Ebay. Whatever *It* is. Which is where I was able to snatch up something for the pup at much cheaper then store prices – NIB. Awesome. Now I just need to locate some MoonSand for her. As it’s the “ONE! THING! MAMA!” that she wants most of all.

The girl, she is another thing altogether. She isn’t sure WHAT she wants – other then a crockpot. So, it’s guessing time for her, but she’s such a good kid and a girlygirl, I’m sure some of my bargain finds will make her happy too. Man am I glad she loves to cook! mmmmmmmmyummy!

So, come 3am or so, I’d finished the online portion of my shopping to my satisfaction. Now come Dec. 20th when I get paid and do local shopping, I shall be much less frantic! Yay! Cuz then it’s all stocking stuffers and little things, and whew. This is probably why I’m humming.

— Course, I also find myself retreating into a solitude and hiding in general – a social recluse. There is a lot of talk of Kevin by the kids and understandably so, and I encourage that. Unfortunately it’s like stabbing myself all over again each time, too. So I put on a brave face, and we laugh, and sometimes cry, and remember what each empty millimeter of my heart was once filled with.

— I also wonder how it is that all of his friends have disappeared. Once swearing they’d be here, they wouldn’t forget, they’d make sure to check in on us and see if we needed anything…. there is no contact, no returning of phone calls, and no checking in. I quit trying, because I won’t force myself on anyone, but even the kids notice it. I just tell them everyone works through things in their own way – they miss Daddy too, and they just can’t handle it. Sometimes, though, I envy their ability to use the out of sight, out of mind method of coping – because while Kevin’s certainly out of sight, he’s by no means ever out of mind. It’d be easier if it were that way – but no one said love and loss was easy, hm? Let alone fair.

— Though, that said, I do wish the guy who donated the Ham to us last year would show up again with another one. That was some damn good eatin! YUM!

— This conflicting of emotions is leaving me humming with tears burning behind my eyes, as well as sleepless. So I will go to bed here soon as the pup is off to school, having finally worked myself into such exhaustion that not even Diet Crack Coke can permeate it.. I can fell it pressing against me, suffocating my will to sit here and find something, anything else to do rather then face my bed again.

— Unless, of course, that nameless hunk in the red ribbon shows up in again. Rawr. Then? Then! I shall go willingly to dreamland.

— Wouldn’t you?