*sob!*

So, Where were YOU back on March 10th, 1992? I can tell you exactly where I was, and likely every little detail too, but I’ll spare you that this year, and settle for – I was in the last stages of a 2 day labor, and in the early evening giving birth via c-section to a healthy, happy, screaming 7lb 6.5 oz baby boy. He was the cutest, most precious, perfect little thing I had *ever* laid eyes on.[please, pay *no* attention to the really big 90’s style black framed glasses, the black eyes from no sleep, and the remnants of my morphine reaction acround my nose and mouth (morphine makes me ITCH!) – and we’ll just leave the fact that I was still *very* swollen and sore from the surgury outa it too. *L*]

Yes, for those counting, that was 13 years ago. My baby turned thirteen years old this past thursday. OMFG. I’m still having problems coming to grips with it, especially as seemingly overnight he’s blossemed into this teenage creature where just the day before he was still my 12 year old baby.

To start him off on this journey right, there of *course* had to be a party! And party we did. We opted for something new this year, and had the party at the local roller rink. He invited several kids, but only the most important showed up – and the ones that showed up were *his* most important list, not mine. His best friends Steel and Saul were there, as well as Jen.

A girl.
A GIRL!

Who very clearly *likes* Sean. A lot. How do I know? Well – let’s just look at the evidence, shall we?

(more)
Read more…

Updated To-Do list

Yeah, so I should actually update – but goddamn I’m swamped! Not necessarily a bad thing, mind you, and things should return to normal soonish I hope.

Good new is I received a second request for a partial Manuscript for Anything but Ordinary! This one is packaged and ready to go, I’ll be sending it off on it’s merry way this afternoon. I’m still waiting on word from the first agent who requested, but she did say 2-4 weeks. It’s only been….. 3? Yeah. *L* Waiting is the worst part, sending out your baby with all the hopes in the world, then hoping agianst hope that they want to read the rest of it. Then that they want to represent it. Then that it gets sold. Then that it is published and you can point it out to all your friends. heh.

So yeah. Working up a storm, feeling buried, and runnning on too little sleep and too much caffiene. WHile my cat has lot her mind…. she’s chasing… ghosts… appaarently. Weird thing.

The girl had her band concert on Tuesday, and played her first solo – she did BEAUTIFULLY, and didn’t squeak once ! (she plays clarinet). As soon as I get the pictures off the camera (sometime tonight, likely) I’ll post a couple.

So yeah – a quicky. Heh. And to-do list to keep me on track.

1. DGT – i’m about 3/4 the way done with the upgrade/redesign. whew.
2. LMT – need the pictures to put up from the client, then good to go.
3. 1stC – design. Got the domain name/server straightened out, now the fun part.
4. GR – Logo and site design. Still in though process.
5. XWM – Wallpapers and new LD ad for next issue. Heh. Um. yeah.
6. YRC – photo gallery – need database info from client.
7. FWC – Logo
8. LttS – caught up on word count! Whoo! currently at 12,250 words.
9. Mystery Short – Aim to complete this this weekend. due March 28th
10. Graphic contest – due March 28th.
11. AbO Manuscript request sent to NA

and last but surely the MOST IMPORTANT –

12. Tomorrow’s birthday party for my THIRTEEN YEAR OLD BAYBEE BOY!

how the hell did that happen? *L* damn, I’m getting old. *sigh* back to the grindstone!

Preeeeeciiiiiiious! – updated todo.

O.M.F.G. How on earth can SO MUCH WORK pile up in just 3 days? 3 days spent without my precious baby! *pets upgraded tower lovingly* THREE DAYS!

For your wincing pleasure, i give you my todo list, in no particular order:

Lessa’s Design Stuff:
1. DGT site redesign/upgrade/server switch
2. LMT site picture updates
3. DDC image updates and new business card
4. 1stCHHC domain/server/new design
5. My favorite Dyke’s new site design and logo
6. XWM updates and new wallpapers
7. YRC photogallery.
8. New Logo for S at FW.com

EAM stuff:
1. LttS – must catch up with HER in word count for she is totally kicking my ass! And my sister is sending death threats – though naturally, if i’m DEAD she’ll NEVER know what happens next…
2. Short Story – currently Untitled, for a contest with a cash prize! Currently at 2700 words, need 15k… and a plot would be nice. *L*
3. SL design contest – again for cash. Logo/wallpaper configureation. whooboy.

Normal stuff:
1. Pay bills.
2. Pay bills.
3. Avoid bills.
4. Drink more Coffee.
5. Suppliment caffiene high with more DC.
6. Write here and talk about my friends before even thinking of seeing to the above two lists. Hee!
4. Work on the boy’s 13th(!?!?!?!!!!) birthday party.

So, I have my baby back – she has a new 64mb vid card (things are so BRIGHT and SHINEY!), more ram, and all the baddies cleaned up off it, and is running like a dream! No new HD yet, but we can do that anytime. The kids are happy to get their game computer back – and I’m happy to get rid of it. *L* I cannot BELIEVE how slow it really is. While Ihad i I (very slowly) updated my writing site, however, and it looks much spiffy with all the updated info and stuff. Though my word count is TOTALLY puny and I *must* do something about that today.

Especially as SHE is taunting me! TAUNTING! “Now begone, or I shall TAUNT YOU AGAIN!” kind of taunting!!

See?!?

[11:03] me: *LOL* and yes, this(reading through my blogroll) is how I avoid writing and working on a daily basis. *L*

[11:03] her: I’ve noticed. Thank you so much for sharing this with me.

[11:03] her: Though, since I’m at 6700 some words, I guess it’s not so bad.

[11:03] me: ……..

[11:03] me: 6700!?!?!? bloody.

[11:03] me: fucking.

[11:03] me: HELL

[11:03] her: oh look. the dots o’ doom!

[11:04] me: ooooooooooooh FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

[11:04] me: 6700!!!

[11:04] her: ….6900, actually.

[11:04] me: GAH!

[11:04] me: AAAAAAAAAAAH!

[11:04] me: *decides to hide in the safety of blogland!*

[11:04] her: After you TROUNCED me in Nanowrimo, I hope you understand how pleasing this is for me.

[11:04] her: no! you must write!~

[11:04] me: *LMAO* yes. Yes, I do believe I understand. And! I shall.

[11:04] me: for it is now my days goal.

[11:05] me: to see you WHITHER IN the face of my word count!

[11:05] her: To wipe that smug grin off my face? Ah-hah.

[11:05] me: and call me nasty names

[11:05] me: whiles typing up a storm. while I maintain a comfortable lead!

[11:05] me: you!

[11:05] me: you sabotaged my computer didnt you!

[11:05] me: JUST SO YOUCOULD WIN!

[11:06] her: …. yes, Lessa. See, I knew this would happen – that you and I, once more, would be competing for who can write the most. So all these months I’vebeen planning. Oh yes.

[11:06] her: Uninstall MIE here.

[11:06] her: Delete a folder there.

[11:06] her: It all culminated into a perfect plot that resulted in giving me two days lead time

[11:06] me: I knew it! *cracking UP*

[11:06] me: I shall have my revenge! I shall…. write about you in my journal! yes! or even WORSE….

[11:07] her: NOO!

[11:07] me: you shall now have a starring role in my mystery!

[11:07] me: yes!

[11:07] her: Don’t put me in my story! NO!

[11:07] her: … your story.

[11:07] her: Your story.

[11:07] me: *LMAO*

[11:07] me: yes.

[11:07] her: crap damn fart!

[11:07] me: I shall put you in your own story!

[11:07] her: (gasp)

[11:07] her: The terrors.

[11:07] me: the HORRORS!

[11:07] her: The AGONY!

[11:07] me: and watch as you TORTURE yourself, unsuspectingly!

[11:07] me: whilst I secretly cackle maniacally…

[11:07] her: oh please. You won’t be secretive about it.

[11:08] me: Good point.

[11:08] me: what’s the point of laughing and cackling maniacally if not being blatently loud about it, after all.

[11:09] her: Exactly. It’s only fun when you can torture me.

[11:09] me: *LOL* exactly. You’re so cute when your tortured. *wiggles brows*

[11:09] her: I’m just a tortured soul. (wrist to forehead)

[11:10] her: woo! (returns to writing) man, I need tunes. What shall I listen to… hrrm.

[11:14] me: *LMAO*

[11:14] me: evil. evil. woman. Woo indeed!

[11:15] her: (turns on Ani) Just think of me as providing you incentive so you can provide ME with incentive to keep writing.

[11:16] me: Yes. yes indeed. *goes to write about you in my journal first* Hahahah!

[11:16] me: take that! you vixen you!

[11:16] her: (dies)

[11:16] her: “You BITCH! I am SO writing about you in my journal!”

[11:16] me: Indeed! It’s oh so…. the grown up version of second grade!

[11:17] her: it’s not so grown up, chick. hee. It’s like writing nasty things on the bathroom stall.

[11:17] her: bathroom stall wall. there, that makes more sense.

[11:18] me: *LMAO* Well. older version of second grade and stuff. yeah. YOU KNEW WHAT I MEANT! *L*

[11:18] her: oooh! whatcha gonna do now? (grin)

[11:25] me: (And runs to hide behind you, whispers* Sis just came online. hee.)

[11:26] her: Be sure to remind her that if she KILLS you, she’ll never know what happens in the story.

[11:26] me: *LOL* yes indeed. I’ma write that in my JOURNAL too!

[11:26] me: as a REMINDER!

[11:26] her: There we go. get it all out in the journal!

[11:26] me: *LOL*

Yes. Reason 9348398234 Why I love my friends. *L* Now. Off to tackle something on that tado list. *L*

Mind dump

Ok. So. Enter Minddump territory, tred at your own risk, and try not to get lost in the midst of the mirandering. or misspellings. *L*

—-

So. I was thinking while i was in the shower (because everyone knows that’s where the best thinking is done) about body image a little bit, and how it relates- or doesn’t relate – to my current headspace.

Now before you run away scared, let me mention that for once, I’m in a really *good* headspace, and perhaps that’s why there’s this interspection or something. I haven’t been fighting it because it’s so unusual for me for this time of the year. usually come february I’m screaming and sulking and hiding and generally pissy. But not this year – so I’m accepting it. but anyway – back to my wandering train of thought.

So, who remembers the “Pile o’Panties” tables/bins at the local kmarts and such? When I was a teen, I used to prowl through them for the right size, the perfect colors, the best fit, that kind of thing along with my friends. The first ones I bought for myself were of that sort, and i remember feeling decadant that I wasn’t wearing the cotton ones that came in packages of 3 or more that mom bought. not that I had any real hatred for the packaged cottonwear, because they were comfy, but because all my friends were getting their own so I had to spend some of my hard earned money on the same. Heh.

I remember, as well, when I realized that I wore the biggest size available for the Pile o’Panties tables, a size 8. keep in mind that I would kill to be back in that size now, and back then I can only admit *now* that I was well proportioned and not fat, but curvacious. I had friends who were picking up the 5’s, the 6’s, etc. Skinny stick people that they were, and I remember feeling like a cow and hating it. I wouldn’t look through the pile o’panties with them anymore, either, but only got them on my own because dammit I liked the little bikini cut cutesy saying covered whisps of lycra!

So what brought this up? Well, the Girl needed new panties, and there was a pile o’panties table in the little girls section, and I picked her up several pair much to her delight. The size was 14 (little girls sizing, she’ in that inbetween little girls/juniors sizing thing.) and they were of course, the biggest size available. course, I know they’re like.. 4’s when she goes to juniors, but still.

So she loves their little lycra beauticiousness too, and it made me smile, and I got to thinking about my own size again.

I know I’m fat. I do. I also know that many find my size disgusting – myself included and first on that list. I wonder often why I don’t just *do* something about it, because I know I can, as I have before, but then I ended up fatter then I was then. And I wonder if it doens’t have a lot to do with mental attitude because back then I was *so* unhappy, and right now I’m pretty well… content.

I mean sure, I’m fat and bitchy, but right now, that’s just me, and I’m ok with that. I don’t feel like I’m constantly searching for something, I don’t feel like I ever really found what I was searching for, but I am just… content. I’m happy about my writing, I love my kids, The asshole drives me insane, but I certainly can’t see kicking him out, we’re in huge massive piles of debt and i’d love to get out from under that but even that doesn’t really seem to matter at all to me right now. We’ll survive, we always do, and someday we might actually pull ahead and be in good shape.

or not. And it really doesn’t matter, because I do have my family, and we live a pretty good life all things considered.

And thorugh it all, the size of my ass has waxed and waned like the moon itself. There is no Pile o’Panties shopping for me. And while i know that many people consider women my size grotesque – and I am certainly one of them too – I… well, it’s just not that important to me right now. I mean, it is? but it’s not. I’m generally healthy, and I’m currently *not* depressed. In february. That, my friends, is a miracle in and of itself.

So I was taking a shower, and I was drying off with this little tiny towel that was like using a washcloth on a hippo, and I was just like. hrm. ok. Whatever. and got dressed. I didn’t stare at my huge flabby boobs that hang all baby chewed to my flabby gut that hangs over fleshy thighs. I didn’t think about the size of my ass or what I’d have to get myself geared up to do to lose it all. I simply got dressed and came back here to do the work I need to do and go on about my day. And realized something…

i don’t have to be skinny to be fabulous.

Sure – I know that fundamentally, but there’s always that nagging sensation of people are staring at me and judging me because of the size of my ass. I haven’t had that nagging sensation for a while. I think I just simply don’t give a flying fuck what people are thinking.

If they don’t have enough guts to get to know the real me under the skin and fat cells, they are simply not worth my time. At all. And they can kiss my giant white ass too.

So I can’t buy my panties from Fredricks or the pile o’panties shop. I prefer commando, anyway. *leer*

—-

Then, I was missing TBF something horrible. He’s got a lot going on and Im dying just to be able to talk to him for a while and just feel that connect we always have. He was online last night, but dummy me, i went to bed early for a change and missed him. *sigh* But then I was thinking about this yesterday too – i miss him horribly and want to have him here so we can talk and tease and love on each other like we always do, but there’s also the fact that while he’s been mostly MIA for the past… gosh… year….. I’ve been ok. I’m doing fine and he’s not the one holding me up anymore because I can do that myself….

when the hell did that happen?

I mean, don’t get me wrong, that’s a good thing, but for the first time ever I’m not completely falling apart because he’s not here… I remember the first time he had to go offline for an extended period of time, and god – I was a mess. I bawled and sobbed and felt like I’d lost the only thing that was keeping my head above water. god, it was horrible. And when he came back, I had my support again, and everything was ok.

Over the years we’ve had our problems and we’ve really been through some serious hell, both in our own lives, and between us in our friendship too. Some of the shit we’ve dealt with would have torn most anyone else we know apart, but we’re too damn stubborn, I guess. I’ve always known that he was the one person that I needed, the one constant I could always count on, the best friend everyone deserves. I’ve always strove to be that for him too, and we went through periods when he needed other people more that really hurt me deeply.

That was then, and this is now.

Now, while I miss him – oh god do I miss him – I’m also… ok. good even. Instead of waiting for him to come online so I could rant and rave and have someone who understands, the times I’ve begged and waited for him to come online have been because I had exciting news to share, I had something that really boosted my spirits and I only needed the experience to be complete by his saying “i told you so!” and it was a good thing, and eager wait, a delight in just *being* together with him and laughing and talking….

So maybe, in short, all this means.. I’m doing allright. For the first time in 8-9 years, I’m really, truly, ok.

Fat, sassy, bitchy, loving, smiling, content.
I’m doing ok.

And if you dont’ like it? Pucker up baybee.. I’ve an ass the size of Kansas that you can kiss. *winks*

..DUDE.

The door is open.

Seriously creepy. Make sure to read *everything* on the site.

Unless your easily spooked.
Or frightened.
Or just chicken.

[…..FLESH PUPPET…..]

the feint of heart should not go