Cold and quiet
The viewing was hard. I knew it would be, and had been psyching myself up for it from the time i woke up till the time we got there. There was no way to prepare for it though, as it was just.. so… real. He looked like he was sleeping, but different. There was a moment where I was certain he was going to reach out and grab my hand and say “gotcha” at which time I’d simply kill him, then die myself. He was holding his mickey shirt, his mickey wizzards hat, and looked for all the world as if he’d just fallen asleep.
Which, as we know, the only thing we know, is that he had done simply that.
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Ugh.
They are trying to kill me with papercuts! So. Much. Paperwork and burocratic bullshit! It’s insane. Mom’s been a doll and shuttled me from gov’t office to gov’t office to the store to the funeral home and listened and touched and stood strong while I answered question after question and made appointment after apointment and both of us fielded call after call after call after call.
oy.
The state aid program refused aid for the funeral costs. Apparently I’m supposed to have saved every penny of his earnings this month and instead of paying bills, used my precognative abilities and kept them for the funeral. That or sell my car, or his bus and bug, or my sons boat. Because well all know that would make things so much easier on the kids.
not.
Although I did mortify the social worker with a couple of my jokes. Hey – they were lame, but I’ll take the small moments of laughter over the constant fear of complete and total meltdown in public, you know? Hell, or private. I’ve three kids to be strong for. I’ve scheduled my breakdown for the 13th. It shall be monumental. I’m sure ya’ll’ll feel something. It’ll be huge. HUGE. hee.
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Love, love, love.
As mom said here, and as sis said here.
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And, as he always said…
Love, love, love.
[yesterday, today, forever.]
heartbroken,
~L
Back to school!
Whee! Back to school at last! Though this year, i’ve two kids in the middle school and I’m finding that just a bit disconcerting, for sure. The boy was of course grumpy about the whole thing – The girl seems to be enjoying it though. Or rather, she was until she got her first homework assignments tonight. *L* Fortunately it’s mostly in math, and she enjoys math.
SHe’s set up in band, and her teacher got a first look at her clarinet in band class today, and said that most likely it’ll be the only one of that brand in the band – and that it was a good thing, because it’s a VERY high quality instrument and that she should be proud to play it.
Heh. made the Asshole’s day, that did. *g*
We got the teacher we wanted for the pup, so I’m happy, and she’s quite content to be back in school and the bids for being the center of attention have begun. *L* If anyone can handle her, Ms. L can, however, as she already survived my first two, and taught them so very much. When the boy was in 1st grade, he was pretty far behind – in two years Ms. L had him reading past his grade level and instilled a lifelong love of the written word in him. She did the same for the Girl, though she wasn’t far behind as he was. I know she’ll do wonders for the pup too.
I spent the majority of my weekend being a scorekeeper for the Adult Co-Ed State Softball Tourney – it was fun, but exhausting and cold -but well, 10 bucks a game, each game 1h10m, that’s like 10 bucks an hour and I made 120 on my field. *g* not bad for 1.5 days of work.
Now if they’d only PAY me. heh.
I’m grumpy.
So instead of venting, i’ma just leave ya with some cute ass kids. That are mine even.
See -told ya they was cute. *g*
