3 weeks

It’s hard to believe that it’s been three weeks since they arrived on my doorstep to tell me of my husbands death. So much has happened, yet it still feels like I’m standing still, like there’s nothing quite right but nothings changed either. It’s a cunnundrum, and I still feel displaced, and uneasy.

It’s made worse by the fact that there are still questions, that the toxology report still hasn’t come to me. I have my gut feeling of what happened, but I don’t know that the toxology and coronors reports will substantiate that at all. It still feels very much like a mistake, like he’s simply forgotten to call, though I know that’s not it at all, and when i remember it sucks my breath away and I forget how to breathe and how to function. But just for a moment, because I have my beautiful babies to take care of and be strong for.

They’ve been doing better then expected, really, and I think it’s still that whole ‘he’s just at work’ feeling that lingers, even as we start to put things away, and clean up, and just remember how to function again.

And no – I haven’t had my breakdown yet either. *chuckles* I was busy the day i had declared as mine, and instead took my buglet out for lunch and a general run around town. I know it’s coming, I feel it around the edges, and I’m sure it’ll hit me at the most inopportune time. I was in the store last night, getting mayo, which happens to be right next to the ketchup which is right next to the hotsauce. And I had to catch my breath as I automatically reached for the Habinero, because he loved that shit, and put it on EVERYTHING. It’s really a wonder he had any taste buds left at all, for all the hot stuff he put on top of everything. It was with a pang that tore at me that I left the bottle where it was, and made my way to a different aisle before it sunk in too much. There’s a thousand little things that I think of, that I remember, that hit me like that, like a punch in the gut or a knife to the heart, and I just take a deep breath, and keep moving. There’s little else that I can do really, for I’m far too stubborn to do anything else.

Financially we’re doing ok for now. The Social Security should kick in any day now, and Kevin’s company has been absolutely amazing in taking care of us. Because of the generosity of those he worked with, all my bills for the month are caught up and paid, leaving only some back bills that can simply wait another month until the dividends come in and things are all settled up with SS. Because of them, after the funeral costs are taken from the insurance money, I believe I’ll be able to put everything else away into an interest bearing account (or something. My dad handles that kinda shit, I’ma trust him on it) and start a nice savings for if and when we need it, and hopefully use it as seed money for when/if the kids decide on further schooling and the like down the line.

I’ve a thousand thank you cards to write -to people who I don’t even know, but appreciate in ways that I’m not sure they’ll ever understand. In giving me those first two/three weeks to simply be with my kids, and be there for my kids, they gave me a gift I can’t ever hope to repay. We’re stronger for it, and better for it, and Though it still aches and threatens to overwhelm and I know it will for a very long time, I can say that we’ll be ok.

Eventually.

One last ride.

It couldn’t have been more perfect if I had actually planned it. We woke up friday, the day of the wake, to rainy dreary skies and many phone calls of “are you really still gonna….” and replies of “of course. It’s a Kevin Camping Adventure!” So we had the first requirement for an KCA – lousy cold wet miserable weather on the day it begins.

Then, we’re packing up things, and I almost forgot KEvin’s ashes, thankfully remembered, but DID forget the camera. And thus we have the 2nd requirement for a KCA – forgetting shit. He never once went on a trip without forgetting SOMETHING.

Then! Due to the necessity of Jello shots being made, and the lateness of a couple people, we actually arrived an hour late to our own damn party! And the third requirement was made – always late. Thus, our wake was off to a perfect start.

Busywork

today was the day I spent going around and paying bills. i got a lot paid off, thanks to the generosity of those donating funds to help me do so. The worst part was that I just didn’t feel… I don’t know. confident. usually it’s all walk in, pay bill, banter a bit, walk out. Today it was unsettling. Like I was alittle lost or something. The day started with blockbuster calling to ask for Kevin, since the account was in his name. That was probably why. So while I was paying things, I went and had his name removed from the accounts so that I wouldn’t get anymore local surprises like that agian.

The one bill I didn’t pay yet is the cell phone because I’m going to switch companies that I deal with. Why? because the assholes were rude to my mom when she called to get a total due, etc. They were total dicks, and they’e been that way to me too, so fuck’em. Soon as I have the new cell phone (their computer was being worked on today, so have t wait until tomorrow to get the app done. My phone already has my name on it though! is PRETTY!) connected and working and in my possession, i’m taking kevin’s in and telling them to kiss my fat white ass. I’ll not put up with people being rude to my momma! *gr* ESPECIALLY under the circumstances that she called under. assholes.

mmmmmmm mexican night for dinner tonight! Smells good!

TBF isn’t going to make it up – it just got to be too much of a money hassle and such for 2 days time. So We’re postponing that and he’ll come up in the spring/early summer and we’ll have a week or so where I can actually show him around and it’ll be that much more meaningful to have him here and show him Alaska.

So. hanging in there. I feel vaguely unsettled by some on my blogroll who are so adament about championing the victims of Katrina. Yeah, it’s devistating and I feel for them, but in the wake of my own tragedy? I can’t be roused to feel anything other then “that’s too bad.” I don’t think that makes me a bad person, and I don’t think I need to obsess about the problems and such dealing with the aftermath of Katrina. So many others are doing that just fine. So yeah. Anyway.

Sorta lost my train of thought again. Dinner’s done.

Let there be light..

Papa got tired of hitting his head on my broken chandelier in the dining room, which is also my office. I’ve learned over the years to sidestep it automatically, but well, poor papa is quite a bit taller then me too, and hit his head every single time. It was always something that was on the “we’ll get to it” list, and the “next time we think about it” list of to do’s – but papa found me a lovely light that was even on sale and brought it to me. “Call J! Tomorrow!”
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Two down, one to go.

The Memorial service was today, and I sat there through it thinking “Man, he’d have gotten a fuckin kick outa this…”

The local lodge of Elks ran the services for him, and held their traditional Elks goodbye. the nice thing was that I didn’t have to do a thing, and he’d have just flat out loved all the pomp and circumstance. I do know that the Chimes of Rememberance will never sound the same again. Before it was just something they did at “the 11th hour” which is the hour of rememberance. It could not have struck a deeper chord with me if it had been a 21 gun salute with taps played in the background – something that always makes me cry.

Aunt JR, Kevin’s sister, spoke his Eulogy that she had written, and there was not a dry eye in the house, and there was laughter at the same time. There was nothing anyone could have said that was more perfect, or more fitting. It was beautiful and perfect and I was so proud of her that she was able to read the whole thing. It was more then I could have done myself – that fear of public speaking coupled with tears is simply not a good look for me – and I am so grateful taht she was here and able to speak for him. It was something she needed to do, as well, and….. yeah. I lost where I was going with that somewhere.
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