So…. a needle pulling thread….
So. Heh. Ever get the feeling you -want- to write, and you probably -should- write, but you have absolutely shit to say? *L* Yeah, about where I am at the moment.
Gave mom a new do, as well as the sis too. the sis took her time noticing – something about a real life or some shit like that *scoffs* – while mom caught me in the act. *L* I was -almost- done, in fact finished it up while she and I chatted, but still… caught me purple handed she did!
Down to the final class in school. There’s only three of us in the class, graduating on the 25th of Sept. Having small classes is both good and bad – bad when it comes to participation points, because really, how many times can you reply to the same person? – good when it comes to quality one on one feedback, as well as free time to work on your own projects instead of spending all your time replying to others. Feels somewhat… odd… still to be in this place. Not quite sure I’m ready for all this, to be honest. heh.
Asshole goes back to work today – thank goodness. As usual, I’m more then ready for him to head back that way. It’s just been a stressful couple of weeks and I’m not feeling well, and I’m fighting to keep things together again. It’s not a “ugh man i’m SICK” kinda thing, but more a lingering upset tummy, impending pms, that kinda thing. just the ukkies as the girl used to say. Haven’t been playing a lot either lately, and I’m sure that has a lot to do with it too. No creative outlet makes Lessa a bored and blah’d person – thus the new do’s up there *points, chuckles* Course, in that same vein, i don’t really – feel – like playing either. Just kinda blah. Not only that but i’m not chatting up all the ‘friends’ there right now either. just… sinking into my own little coccoon for a while I guess. Can only emmerge from such introspection better, right?
Still really REALLY glad the kids head to school on tuesday. Even though it faces me with a plethora of school fees and supplies to buy (thankfully between the free bags me and the sis got, that list of ‘must haves’ was dramatically reduced. The thing that’ll kill me? pe shoes. ugh. expensive. even on sale it’s like… ugh. but being a nice fall, they’ll be outside for pe for a couple more weeks. Can get away with only getting the pups for now.)
I swear to god – if the dog does not quite burying shit in my room i’m gonna throttle her! I find the ODDEST things in my laundry piles! ugh. some nasty shit too. Need to get a new top for the garbage can. again. eww.
heh. the pup looks so innocent when she’s sleeping. Does not reconcile with the fact she was driving me completely mad earlier. I finally just left – my last chance to do so before the Asshole goes to work – and went to buy the last of the shit the asshole “has to have” before he goes back to work. Ugh. that boy goes through more shit and has the most annoying habits.
awwwwwwww a McDonalds commercial i actually LIKED… omg… pregnant ladies close to birth “i’m expectant.” all the way to “i’m ready. I’m heroic” and ends with “here’s to the original olympic efforts.” mushy as hell, but awwwwwwwwwwwww.. *melts* helps I think pregnant women are the sexiest most amazing beings of all time… but what a sweet commercial! Much better then that stupid high diving ronald. heh.
ok – this is all a very completely disjointed and rambling kind of thing isn’t it? *L* Guess I’ll close, and like. uh. go pack the asshole’s bag or something. heh. but before I do, I leave you with the answers to Lucy’s questions:
What is the biggest lie you ever told?
“I’m fine.”
Your deepest fear about growing old?
I don’t think I can really say – I’ve got this weird thing where I just can’t see any farther then the now. Even the fact that I graduate next month seems a hazy unreality. being not really quite true. I don’t know – most of the time I feel like – i’m- not quite here, so I’m not sure I can really say what it is. Maybe simply finding out that I really don’t exist solidly after all. heh.
The loneliest night you ever spent?
The first night I spent alone in my own apartment. Going from always having someone – there- to being on my own? urg. scary. But exhilerating. I’d love to feel it again. *L*
The angriest letter you never sent?
Oh god. I’ve written so many. The angriest probably to an ex. Though some even through here were pretty wickedly angry. And posting them – does that count as “sent” if the person they were to “accidently” found them? heh. Nosy buggers.
Your darkest hour?
The night I lost the baby, the week later when I almost died as a result, the days following…
Your hardest fight?
coming back from the above. I’d like to think ‘no one knew’ how badly off I was, but I’m sure if they looked back they could see it. it lingers in some ways, sometimes too. In retrospect I probably should have sought counciling at the time, but I had the best best friend in the world to carry me through – and it’s been a two way street with him as well. We’re pulling apart now, piece by piece, and that’s difficult too, but it helps define our friendship on a stronger, deeper level as well. That we are still this close even after the shit we’ve been through? He was what I needed.
The saddest song you’ve ever heard?
Right after my uncle died, they came out with “holes in the floor of heaven” – my Uncle and I shared a love of country music, and that one just killed me. The first time I heard it after he died I was driving and had to pull off the road and cry. He didn’t make it to see my son born, which I know he wanted to do… the boy was born a month later, to the day. I know he was watching, and some days I swear they had some conversations before the boy was born. *chuckles*
The most you’ve said with just one word?
“No.”
The loneliest prayer you ever prayed?
“why?!?”
What is the truest vow you ever made?
I will love my kids no matter what they do. I will be there for them no matter how they push me away. I will raise them to the best of my ability, and make sure to tell them, every single day, that I love them.
In case you were wondering…
…and you know you were. heh.
| Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Lessa’s Syndrome |
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| Cause: | caught in hospitals |
| Symptoms: | squawking, hydrophobia, occasional lockjaw, food cravings |
| Cure: | take four sprigs of belladonna every day for the rest of your life |
Squawking??? Oddly enough I do hate to get my face wet – hydrophobia? I also suffer occasional lockjaw, and well, LOOK at me, it’s obvious food cravings and I get along very very well.
Now…. the hell is belladonna???
Bah. Someone else got a cure of “infect someone else” – that sounds much more fun. Hee.
~~~
Man. All these new babies being born around the Blogasphere. Dooce, SJ, Yvonne, Stacey, Jen….. And I know a fellow RPer that is preggers, plus know of two others – one who just had twins! yeesh!
And here MY baby is starting Kindergarten. You’d think that’d give me a little twinge – seeing as how I’ll have an empty nest for several hours a day, maybe thinking perhaps it’d be nice to do it all over again..
And then I reread their stories.
And look at the pup.
And realize that i do not have a SINGLE ‘maybe.. what if… i wish’ twinge at ALL. Nope. Not a one. Hell, I can’t wait till the first two go back to school on Tuesday, and the baby starts the following monday. Those hours of an empty nest mean SILENCE from the CONTINIOUS TALKING of a five year old. my GOD that child can TALK. Holy hell.
Some prime moments lately:
pup: “I love you 345THOUSANDmiles!”
me: I love you more.
pup: “oh. you mean like 125?”
Me: “……..yeah”
Me: PUP! the arm of the couch is NOT a BALANCE BEAM!
pup: close enough for a dismount SEE?
me: *cover’s eyes, peeks after crash*
pup: told ya.
me: what do you want for dinner?
pup: snake legs and lizard eyes.
me: “……… i knew i’d regret saying that. what was it really again?”
pup: MOOOOOOOOOOOOM!! Chicken gravy and rice!!
me: oh.
pup: you forgotted.
me: i’m old.
pup: nope. GRANDPA’S OLD!
pup: That turn was easy.
me: uh – it was on a balance beam.
pup: i could do it better. see? *falls on ass, but strikes a pose*
me: nice recovery.
pup: a perfect 10.
me: no more gymnastics for you.
pup: ok. hey- did that handsome guy win swimming?
me:…..sure.
pup: Wonder if he peed in the pool like i did in the lake.
me:….. no.
pup: good.
me:”…..”
pup: i’m going to marry henry’s older brother.
me: he know that?
pup: i told him.
me: what he say.
pup: he said no. I told him i knowed he had a crush on me.
me: what he say then?
pup: he said no. i said yes. he said no. I said yes. He said FINE!
me:……oh.
pup: I winned.
me: obviously. think maybe you should remember his name if your going to marry him?
pup: *palms forhead* I always FORGET… doesn’t matter. I’ll call him the same you do daddy.
me: what’s that?
pup: that WORD I can’t say. Until i’m older. like you.
me: you mean ‘asshole’?
pup: YEAH. you call him that for me until i’m older.
me “….”
pup: We want to watch that boy movie!
me: what boy movie?
pup: that ONE that starts with the world I can’t say!
me: aw hell.
pup: THAT ONE! THAT”S THE WORD!
me: That’d be hellboy.
pup: *rolls eyes* that’s what i SAID.
~~~~
And that goes on all. day. every. day. From the time she wakes up till the time she actually stops moving and collapses into sleep. Do I want more kids? not just no, but HELL NO!
however – she does balance this incredible ability to be the most annoyingly obnoxious child with moment’s like these. At the lake, she’s wading in front of me, I grab the camera and say “SMILE!” and get this incredible shot (click to supersize):
Going to get that one framed. After I take the dog ass out of the picture. Took me 2 days to figure out what the hell that was. *L* I’ll be removing that before printing and framing. Sometimes it’s good to be a digital diva.
Who only has ONE! MORE! CLASS! until I’m ALL FUCKING DONE! WHOOT!
Anyway. More “handsome guys” in swimming to watch now. Yes. I’m a shameless Olympic geek. bite me. heh.
Three words every mom longs to hear…
…Not “I love you.” not “you’re not fat.” not even “half price sale.” The three words EVERY woman I know longs to hear?
Back. To. School.
Even though it snuck up on me a bit this year (what do you MEAN they go in a WEEK? I haven’t even thought of supplies yet!!) I’m still very, very, VERY glad the kids are headed back to school.
All. Three. Of. Them.
That’s right – Pup hits kindergarten this year and I think I’m more excited then she is. *L* Of course, first thing on the list of “must do!” is Back To School Haircuts! Screw books, forget pencils and papers and glue and crayons. One must LOOK good!
So earlier in the week I called Ms. A and she fit all three kids into a slot this afternoon. The Pup is THRILLED with her new sleek do – The Girl is amazed with how much older and hip she looks with her flippy hairstyle, and the boy is freshly shorn and turned from shaggy to hotstuff.
What, think I’m kidding? Check it out… [Click to SuperSize!]
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And hey – if you ever wondered just what the clearence is inside the back of a traditional sized limo? It’s about 46 inches. What? How do I know? easy….
The pup is only 44 inches tall! *laughs* My new clients obviously run a limo service, and couldn’t say no to the pup wanting a peek inside while I was taking pictures. *g* Must be the new haircut…..
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And because I can’t get the bloody song out of my head! I’ll put it in YOURS too. New layout based on Nancy Sinatra – these boots:
You keep saying you’ve got something for me.
something you call love, but confess.
You’ve been messin’ where you shouldn’t have been a messin’
and now someone else is gettin’ all your best.
These boots are made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.
You keep lying, when you oughta be truthin’
and you keep losin’ when you oughta not bet.
You keep samin’ when you oughta be changin’.
Now what’s right is right, but you ain’t been right yet.
These boots are made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.
You keep playin’ where you shouldn’t be playin
and you keep thinkin’ that you?ll never get burnt.
Ha! I just found me a brand new box of matches yeah
and what he know you ain’t HAD time to learn.
Are you ready boots? Start walkin’!
I’ve got a purple ass, and I’m not afraid to sit on it.
So. I’ve wanted to write, but I find myself highly annoyed and I’ve tried to keep it squashed. But well – that’s never good, right? I don’t know.
There are times when you know someone is making the biggest mistake ever, and there’s just nothing you can do about it. Sure I could raise a stink and be a general bitch about the whole ordeal, but that would just get certain things that I know count on me taken away. I won’t do that – so I have to sit mum. Others around me have to do the same thing.
I’m annoyed, however, because there’s been deliberate slights made. Definite attempts to keep me at arms reach. Makes me want to throttle people, to take their necks between my hands and squeeze. If I were the only one, I’d be worried? but I know that I am not the only one under protest. So I keep my mouth shut, I vent to people that it’s safe to do so, and I prepare for the worst. I don’t see myself being pleasently surprised by any eventuality, as might be par for the course, and I know that’s awfully pesimistic? But this is just too obvious to everyone but the people involved.
People are stupid. Wizards First Rule. *sigh*
~~~
So my ass is purple. *L* I decided to redo the dye job – at least get rid of some of the roots. And well, purple dyes EVERYTHING. My back, my ass, my legs, my feet, my hands – all from the rinse off. *chuckles* It’ll fade with the next shower, gone by the third, but for now, my ass is purple and I’m not afriad to sit on it and tell you about it. Ain’tcha glad you asked? You didn’t? *laughs* too bad. You know me better then that by now.
~~~
In other news.
Last quarter of school. They put me in an elective for which I don’t have the pre-reqs and I’m drowning. But hey – I only have to pass it. Fuck the GPA right? *sigh*
Total revamp of the portfolio though – check it out here. Then hire me dammit. heh.
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In still other news.
Someone dared me. So I did. A writing blog – but not just any writing. Writing my mother shouldn’t read. (*waves* hi mom! *L*) so only those who ask will get the addy. The dare was – just write. Preparation for NaNoWriMo. Just write. Uninhibited. Nothing taboo. raw. raunch. good ole s.e.x.
What the hell. It’s all in the name of fun, right? *L*
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Anyway. Time to stuff my fat purple ass into my fat ladies dress for the wedding today. Purple and forest green is a good combo – right? heh.heh.heh.
I’m a WHAT? – well, ok.
Yes – I found it all over the place, so had to take it.
20 Questions to a better personality has labeled me like so:
Wackiness: 50/100
Rationality: 28/100
Constructiveness: 54/100
Leadership: 46/100
You are an SECF–Sober Emotional Constructive Follower. This makes you a hippie. You are passionate about your causes and steadfast in your commitments. Once you’ve made up your mind, no one can convince you otherwise. Your politics are left-leaning, and your lifestyle choices decidedly temperate and chaste.
You do tremendous work when focused, but usually you operate somewhat distracted. You blow hot and cold, and while you normally endeavor on the side of goodness and truth, you have a massive mean streak which is not to be taken lightly. You don’t get mad, you get even.
Please don’t get even with this web site.
~~~
It’s the last line that kills me. *LMAO* Please.
A HIPPY? Good god.
Though, I do have to say, it’s really rather accurate.
And now, you have to take it, too. Shoo. Go take it. Really. I want to know!
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And more:
What Color is Your Brain?
brought to you by Quizilla
BLUE:
At work or in school: I like to be with people, sharing with them, inspiring them, and helping them. I work and learn best when I can take into consideration people and the human element. I flourish in an atmosphere of cooperation.
With friends: I always look for perfect love. I am very romantic, and I enjoy doing thoughtful things for others. I am affectionate, supportive and a good listener.
With family: I like to be happy and loving. I am very sensitive to rejection from my family and to family conflicts. I really like to be well thought of and need frequent reassurance. I love intimate talks and warm feelings.
