Brain Profiler
*blinks* damn accurate. scarily so. *L*
Your Brain Usage Profile
Auditory : 56%
Visual : 43%
Left : 44%
Right : 55%
Lessa, you show a slight right-hemisphere dominance with a moderate preference for auditory processing, an unusual and somewhat paradoxical combination of characteristics.
You are drawn to a random and sometimes nonchalant synthesis of material. You learn as it seems important to a specific situation, and might even develop a resentment of others who attempt to direct your learning down a specific channel.
Your right-hemispheric dominance provides a structure that is only loosely organized and one which processes entire swatches of reality, overlooking details. You are emotional in your reactions and perceptual more than logical in your approach, although you can impose structure and a language base when necessary.
Your auditory preference, on the other hand, implies that you process information sequentially and unidimensionally. This combination of right-brain and auditory modes creates conflict, as you want to process data more rapidly than your natural processes allow.
Your tendency to be creative and free-flowing is accompanied by sufficient ability to organize and be logical, allowing you a reasonable degree of success in a number of different endeavors. You take in information methodically and systematically which can then be synthesized rapidly. In this manner, you manage to function consistently well, although certainly less efficiently than you desire.
You prefer the abstract and are a theoretician at heart while retaining the ability to be practical. You find the symbolism in a great deal of what you encounter and are something of a “mystic.”
With regards to your lifestyle, you have the mentality which would be good as a philosopher, writer, journalist, or instructor, or possibly as a systems designer or social worker. Perhaps most important is your ability to “listen to your inner voice” as a mode of skipping over unnecessary steps to achieve your goals.
~~~~~~~~~~~
erm – added note – TBF and I got drastically different percentages, and the exact same summary. Tell me – what does THAT mean? everyone knows I’m the blond in this friendship!!! *L*
You know…
…sometimes I flat out hate you. I do. There’s days where your selfish bullshit is just more then I can take. You’ve spent the past 7 years alternately building me up and tearing me back down again and I’m sick of the yo-yo ride. I want very much to be your friend, but you won’t let me be. I want very much to love you – but you won’t let me.
So I give up.
People have asked me over and over why I let you do this shit to me and I’ve always stood up for you. But you’ve told me to fuck off in a million little ways, tonight’s more intensely then the last. So you know what? Fuck you.
It all has nothing to do with me, right? well this time? it has everything to do with me. I am so sick of your shit. SO sick of you belitteling me, and stabbing me in the back. I am so. fucking. sick. of crying over you.
You tell me to play or do whatever I want and not care for what you think. Tonight? 3 fucking HOURS of research down the drain because you don’t want me anywhere near your precious fucking game. So just take that fucking game and fold it till its all sharp corners. You know where to stick it. I’ve done everything I can. From the guy who was worried about being able to keep up with the big guys? now you’ve become one of them snobbish selfish arrogant assholes. Congratulations. I fucking hope your happy.
And if you want to say something GET THE FUCK OUTA MY HEAD and say it already. I don’t fucking CARE anymore. No holding back. You wanted to push me away. tonight you finally succeeded.
Ironically one of your pet peeves is something that you do yourself. You’re always right and never ever listen to a different point of view. Me? I take everyones point of view into consideration and STILL defend your ass. I’m done. I’m fucking DONE. you hear me? I can’t live like this anyfucking more. YOu don’t give a shit, you most likely never did, and you’re sick of coddling me. So fucking stop it. Get the balls to tell me to fuck off for good already instead of playing your fucking games.
You wanted a message in a song? Here you go:
Fuck you and your untouchable face.
Fuck you for existing in the first place.
Who am I that I should be vying for your touch.
Who am I, I bet you can’t even tell me that much.
So fuck you.
randomosity
Taking a break from physics, taking a break from everything and thought I’d toss a bit of random thoughts this way. Since I can’t manage to put them all into anything coherent anyway… *L*
My archives are still all funky and fucked up because when I changed servers I didn’t bring over the other two blogs I had that I no longer used. Therefore, the numbering sequence is all fucked up and well. Makes things insteresting for viewing recent entries doesn’t it? S’all good. I don’t give a fuck. Eventually I’ll be all caught up number wise again and it’ll work out allright.
I’m annoyed. I told someone to fuck off yesterday and I can’t figure out if I did it because she was right or if I did it because she was wrong. If she was right I was just not in the mindset to say ok, that’s your opinion, but lets look at itmy way…. if she was wrong then I was justified in telling her to fuck off anyway because she don’t know me – no one really does anymore.
Not even me.
On the otherside of the coin I’m estatically giddy *L* Friend from Sweden called me today just to say hello and put a voice with the words he always sees on screen. Talk about a cute ass accent! *melt* talked for about 20 minutes and he’s going to call again next week because there’s still time left on his calling card…. which he bought JUST to call me. I tell you – I feel damn special. He might come up and visit me this summer too, how cool is that?
Dammit. School’s out. Now the kids are home all the time. I’m gona throttle them all before the summers out I know it. heh.
Little league season again! Not enough girls signed up to have a whole Softball league, so the coach pitch kids have gone co-ed for the year. This is cool with the girl since her team is all girls anyway. *L* She’s having fun, getting some real nice hits and generally having a great time. The boy is a second year major this year, and though there have been some rough spots with attitude due to a coaching change and his general upset over the situation at school (he was to do summer school, but they wouldn’t pay for a teacher to teach him and the one other kid signed up so he’s doing summer school with mom. poor kid) and this puberty bullshit…. other then all THAT – he’s having a good time. No real major hits, but its coming… he’s had a couple foul balls that if he just straightened them out….. it’s coming. His big improvement this year, however is ‘playing the bounce’ which is when he can’t make it to catch the pop fly, letting it bounce and scooping it up then. Last year he couldn’t – this year he’s made some awesome scoops. *Grin* Several road trips for him this year, lots in Soldotna and even a Homer game! Gonna be fun.
Schools going alright. Physics this session, as well as Ethics. The first is a pain in the ass, the second is filled with a bunch of kids without a clue about the real world. *shakes head* as well as couple genuinely STUPID people. Some people you just CAN’T teach. You’d think by third year classes they would have weeded these idiots out. Unfortunately, not.
Money’s tight. Need to sell the damn van, but no takers so far. *Sigh*
Ever wonder why you keep trying? Ever wonder why you continue to put so much effort into something that is worth it to you, thuogh doesn’t seem to be worth it at all to other people? I’m there. I’m so tired of putting heart and soul into things and constantly being stepped on. So I’m backing off again and I’m ignoring a lotta stuff and doing my damndest to make it seem like I don’t give a shit. I still do – but *shrugs* it’s getting me no where. Perhaps if I continue to pretend shit doesn’t bother me, it’ll just eventually not bother me. Hell, nothing I do is right anyway. Hasn’t been for years. Dunno why they even bother – why I even bother. Not sure if anything is worth it anymore.
And when the hell did I get fatter then my mother? I hate pictures. I hate that it creeps up on you and suddenly you realize that you’ve gained a significant amount of weight. again. I hate it when the asshole keeps pointing out that he’s dropped 45 pounds in 2 months. Specially because he litterally just quit eating. *smirks* I do that and just keep gaining. And his doctors a fucking quack – he told him he’d quit eating and the guy just said ‘no worries, you’re not too thin yet.’ what kinda doctor is THAT? I really hate skinny bitches who whine about getting ‘flabby’ and having to loose 5 pounds or they’re simply gonna DIE because they’re too fat. I say we shoot them now, save them the misery of being a size 8. *smirk*
Work is good but I need more of it. Extra cashflow is a must right now.
Realized the other day that not only have I not written anything in here, but I’ve been really lacking in writing all together. Lost the inspiration, and even in play I feel i can no longer keep up. There’s nothing there, no feeling of storytelling, jsut a feeling of trying to hang on…. the gut reactions are all wrong lately and I used to be able to rely on instinct…. where’d that instinct go? buried somewhere…. never to be seen again most likely. Fuck. I hate that too. *smirks*
I dunno really. I’m in limbo again and not sure which way to turn. So. I’m going to turn back to homework, then to a job I need to finish by monday. Sounds like a plan, huh? It’s the only one I got, so we’ll go with it.
it’s….alive.
I just wrote….and lost….and entire entry.
I’m annoyed.
It was nice and long too. *sigh* So, lets see if I can get back into the groove.
An update! Been a long damn time, I knowm, and my three faithful readers owe me a royal thrashing for it. I’ve been doing this online journalling thing for 3 years now, and you all know how it goes… sometimes you just can’t bring yourself to write. You wonder why you even bothere, and what will happen next. I was tehre, still am a bit, but thought I’d drop in and let ya’ll know I was still alive.
Things around here are distressingly the same.
The kids are good.
School is good.
I’m hanging in there.
Asshole is good.
The rest of my family… well, it’s nuts as always. *smirk* Same shit different day escalated until you’re left just standing there, boggled, and wondering what’s gonna happen next.
The Boy is nearing the end of 5th grade, and had to watch THE movie recently. heh. You know the one that gives the kids details about puberty? oh yeah. I asked him how that went and he lifted his arm and went “SMELL!” and I nearly passed out at the overwhelming oder of ‘old spice’ pitstick. Seems they gave the boys all a sample size deoderant in a small goody back. *chuckles* he was so proud – but damn, he musta put half the stick on… and that shit REEKS. *laughs* Naturally, he adn his buddies wanted to see what the girls were watching in the other room – but they kept getting caught trying to peek. *L* whoops.
We’ve had some problems with him and his homework, so he’s not exactly a happy camper right now as we decided to put him in summer school as he’s behind in his math. Going into the middle school next year he’ll need all the help he can get. So – he had a choice after I’d caught him lying to me again about handing in his work. he could play baseball, and go to summer school, or he could not play baseball and still go to summer school. He opted for the first, of course, grudgingly. God, it’s hard to believe he’s 11. *le sigh*
The girl is 8 and 1/2 now, and gets more and more girly by the day. It’s incredible really, as I was always the tomboy. She’s always talking on the phone with her girlfriends, writing in her diary, conspiring and talking about boys with the girls next door, beating on and getting beat on by her siblings, and getting curves and more boy crazy by the day. I’m so not ready for this. *chuckles* She’s fixing to start Softball again, this time in a co-ed league as there wasn’t as many kids signed up for Little League this year. She’s pretty excited though, as her team is all girls.
The pup.. well. That girl just never ever quits. Seriously. She just keeps going and going and going and going until she collapses and recharges and then all bets are off again. *L* She’s always talking, always moving, always… just. Always. And SMART. god she constantly amazes me with the things she’s picked up, learned. though her occasional complaint when she is tired and about to go to sleep is disconcerting.. she comes out crying and tells me she ‘don’t wanna breathe…’ *blinks* yeah, the closest I can come to as explination is she doesn’t to snore or something. *L* I dunno, but still breathe she does.
The asshole has a new job… better, though we’re still pulling outa the hole money wise due to the time off before the job. any donations to “make lessa’ less stressed” fund are welcome (and hell, needed. heh.) he loves the new job, there’s a lot of chance for advancement and he’s gone for 3 weeks at a time. *L* home for two though, so. hrm.
School is going good, still maintaining the good grades, and having fun in a photography class. for some of my recent pictures you can click the manipulated picture of the pup below. You’ll find recent family pictures, as well as a tour through Olde Towne Kenai (just a couple miles from where I live) some pictures taken with a standard camera. I’ve redone the entire look of RtC lately, too, so have fun and look around. Had to do something while I wasn’t writing, right? *grin*
Confusion
this entry is a long time in coming. So much has happened, so many misunderstandings and attempts at communication, so many things I’ve tried to say just so they are understood – not even wanting them to be agreed with, just.. acknowledged in some small part. Why? I don’t know.
Maybe I just want to know that my feelings were at least considered, that there was some part that knew I would be hurt, knew why and actually cared that it was going to happen that way – even if there was no stopping what would happen?
In truth – I’m not even what happened, how it happened, or why it happened. All I know is my reactions – no matter what they were, were wrong. Every single one of them. I try to change and I’m viewed with suspicion and anger, I attempt to be honest about how I feel, how it made me feel, and I’m treated as lowlife scum who deserved what I got…
I don’t know.
Even when I give up, say fuck them all and attempt to simply make his life better, no matter how I felt, or feel, or will feel, and I try so very hard to do this, I’m yelled at, and told that it’s wrong. Now that everything I’ve done, is wrong, and I’ve tried everything, there’s nothing left but this lingering pain. This agony that what was lost? will never be regained.
How hard is it to say “yeah -you had every right to be hurt. yeah, i understand why you were hurt and though I don’t see it that way, I know and understand that you felt that way.” How hard is it to validate my feelings? Even if there’s no understanding of where it came from or how much I felt and how confused I got…. just say its ok for me to feel that way.
Apparently, way to hard. There’s something he wanted and in giving it too him I was wrong. In trying to grow past where I was hurt and make it ok I was wrong. To be hurt at all was wrong. there’s nothing left – and I dont’ know which way to turn. What I wanted ceased to be an issue so long ago… because what I wanted? never mattered. none of it did.
Now – I’m being accused of things that are actually surprising me. How dare I play to play and play a character to character. It’s all second guessed.. everything apparently has this hidden agenda that I was unaware of. I’m having to censor everything I say again, and to the person I know I should get to be honest with.
It’s not that there were so many acts that were never played out. Its not that they were even though of or close or any of that. It’s that there was never any discussion. I wasn’t important enough in your little world for you to come to me and say hey – this is what’s going on, but don’t worry, its not played out. Its that I never entered into the equasion at all, that I was so easily thrust aside and forgotten and ignored over and over agian… Those hurt because when I thought there may even be a hookup of any kind – that was not played out, it was brought to you and I handed you the ‘shut off’ key… the ability to pull the plug.
There was no control for me. There was none… there was nothing that gave me any respect in any of the things that happened. that is what hurt. That is what needs to be acknowledge… that you had SOME part in this and it wasn’t my just freaking out over nothing. You keep coming back to this, and that, and got to watch him all but fuck you kinda thing.. but each and every time I brought it to you, you were involved, you were in control.
There was no control for me. None. There was you doing wahtever you wanted whenever you wanted and when you wanted to break out you did so…. without consulting me. There’s no respect there.. there’s nothing there that says I mean anything close to you as you do to me…. and that’s where the hurt comes in, that’s where I got jealous and I got petty and i tried to hurt you…
Everything I say now is suspect because of that – and even if I say I’m doing better you won’t believe me, even if I say I’m doing oj you won’t believe me, and even what is done in character is being picked through and dissected and torn apart until there’s simply… nothing left. I don’t know what to do anymore.
You wondered if there would be one player who was all yours? You had that. you threw me away. Now? I play the chars to char and if that happens to step on your carefully contrived little world I’m sorry (you never cared if you tramped on mine, after all) – but You lost the right to tell me how to act and what to do and whom I could be with and whom I could talk to or fuck or play with… you lost that right when you shut me out and threw me away.
You made the comment that released from the deal i’m some sort of slut now – damn look at her go… but the truth of the matter is – it came up a lot more before then I ever let you realize. i just always said no. So now – should things happen in play, I let them happen, no half hearted excuse made to run the character the other way, no stopping play completely with a char because it seems to end up close to that.
You also said that everything said IC was obviously a dig at you – where the FUCK do you get off man? i play the char to char.. if that’s what he’ll say or do taht’s what he’ll say or do… there’s nothing that says “haHA this will fuck him in the head..” At one point I said yeah, I’d posted those scenes in hopes of making you jealous, making you realized what you threw away..” and your come back? “I can have that anytime I want.” Now who’s being the jerk? who’s saying things to dig and me and make me feel all the more rejected? its NOT me. You’ve been a total ass and there’s nothing that I can do about it as you’ve said time and time again….
Then in the same breath you tell me I’m making digs at you, you tell me I’m playing the character ‘beautifully’ – so how bout making up your goddamn mind…?
And lets not even go into how much ooc shit you’ve taken personally…. you constantly tell me the world doesn’t revolve around me.. I got news for you – it doesn’t revolve around YOU either. Not everything I say anymore is filtered through the “he should take this this way” part of my head anymore. Because it can’t be. You don’t want it to be, and through this all its always been about what YOU want… never what I want, how I feel, what I need.
So through this ALL… all I want is one thing… a word from you taht says yeah.. I had the right to feel the way I did and do, and that you had a part in making me feel that way. Acknowledge where I came from, Acknowledge that somewhere in there, you fucked up too… that this could have been done so much easier.
or just keep being an ass and hating me and everything about me and all that I do. heaven knows I probably deserve it in some way shape or form. nothing I do makes it better anyway.. guess I should just quit trying. You gave up on me a long time ago… would have been nice if you’d just said that, instead of leading me to believe there’s still soemthing there, there’s still some part of you that wants me around.
But again – we’ve discovered that i? never get what I want, haven’t we. I should probably say goodbye – but we know that’s not in me. This is the only friendshipt I’ve ever fought so hard for.. the only I’ve ever wanted to fight for…
I just hope its worth it.
